#RelationshipTools #relationship #relationshipbuilding #BuildingBridges #Harmony #vengeance #revenge#forgiveness #lessons #ConflictManagement #pain #StopPain #criticalfactors #episode9 #judgement #judge #christmas #truestories #Christmas2022 #ChristmasLessons #reconcilation #truestory #restoration #reconcilation #redemption #abagayle #healing #deathrow
Friday, December 23rd, 2022
Otakada.org Content Count 2,220,770
Podcast link:
Blog link:
YouTube link:
Series – Perfect Relationship: 24 Tools for Building BRIDGES to Harmony and Taking Down WALLS of Conflict in our Relationships
Episode 9 – Breaking the Power of Pain – true story of forgiveness to a murderer on death row by Aba Gayle
+ 7 outstanding lessons from the Story of Jesus’s birth for life application this Christmas
Hello Friends, Merry Christmas in advance in Jesus name, the reason for the season!
The story of Christmas and birth of Jesus Christ is an outstanding story of redemption, reconciliation and restoration of relationship between God and mankind!
As we celebrate the birth of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ’s birth, I would like us to keep these 7 outstanding lessons from the story of Jesus birth for life application this Christmas to make our time of celebration meaningful and life impacting.
The scriptures we drew these seven lessons from are Matthew 1, 2 and Luke 1,2 with corresponding prayer of commitment.
1) Prayerfulness – Zacharias, Elizabeth, John, Mary, Simeon and Anna – Are you prayerful? Am I prayerful? Are we prayerful? Yes, I commit to be prayerful concerning the matters of the kingdom of God and life affairs in Jesus name, amen
2) Selflessness – Zechariah, Elizabeth, John the foster father of Jesus; Mary, Anna, and Simeon. Are you selfless? Am I selfless, are we selfless? I commit to be selfless concerning the matters of the kingdom and life affairs in Jesus name, amen
3) Wholeheartedness – Mary, Simeon and Anna – Are you wholehearted? Am I wholehearted? Are we wholehearted? I commit to be wholehearted towards the matters of the Kingdom and life affairs in Jesus name, amen
4) Purposefulness – Zechariah, Elizabeth, Mary, Simeon and Anna. Are you purposeful? Am I purposeful? Are we purposeful? I commit to be purposeful towards the matters of the kingdom and life affairs in Jesus name, amen
5) Faithfulness – Zechariah, Elizabeth, John, Mary, Simeon and Anna. Are you faithful? Am I faithful? Are we faithful? I commit to be faithful towards the matters of the kingdom and life affairs in Jesus name, amen
6) Submissiveness – Elizabeth, Mary, Simeon and Anna. Are you submissive? Am I submissive? Are we submissive? I commit to submit to divine counsel and life assignment in Jesus name, amen
7) Carefulness – John, Mary, Simeon, Anna. Are you careful? Am I careful? Are we careful? I commit to be careful concerning kingdom matters and life affairs in Jesus name, amen.
So shall it be for you too and those celebrating the birth of our Lord and savior Jesus Christ this Christmas in Jesus name, amen.
Episode 9 – Breaking the Power of Pain – true story of forgiveness to a murderer on death roll by Aba Gayle
Last week Friday we looked at Episode 8 – True Stories: How to Stop the Pain – Pain is Inevitable, but suffering is optional – What is Judgement? How does the effect of judgement play out in our relationships? – True Stories – The effects of Ms. Busola’s judgment against her father, Mr Johnson, and Samantha against James.
In our Series – Perfect Relationship: 24 Tools for Building BRIDGES to Harmony and Taking Down WALLS of Conflict in our Relationships
Matthew 7:1 is probably one of the most misinterpreted of all Scriptures: “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”
We do not know how to make it through our daily lives without judging everybody and everything around us. We think we are walking in wisdom! We think that we are discerning and that our judgments will protect us from future pain, but nothing is further from the truth. Instead, we create a world of conflict and suffering through the very judgments we think will protect us.
It is true that some events have the power to bring momentary emotional pain. However, in order for something to become an abiding torment, we must first attach significance to it. It is this significance that takes a single event and turns it into a life of suffering.
Judgment Is the Bottom Line
It seems impossible for the majority of our pain to be the product of judgment rather than events.
We are so sure that the wrongs we have suffered have imprisoned us in a life of pain.
But the truth is that accepting this reality-that our judgments produce our pain -is the only way out of the maze of lifelong torment.
If the events of our lives were the source of our torment, then we would have no control over our future. We would be
doomed to “coincidence.” Or, what is worse, in an attempt to understand life’s circumstances, we would convince ourselves that God brought or allowed these things into our lives for some purpose. Of course, subjectively determining that purpose would cause us to decide why God allowed it. In other words, we would have to judge God.
Nothing that happens outside of you has the power to hurt you until you judge it. Only when you judge something does it
bear significance in your life. Let me say it another way.
When people do something, you judge why they did it; you decide what their motive was. Once you determine (judge) the motive, you give that event significance, or power.
In Luke 17:1 Jesus said to His disciples, “It is impossible but that offences will come: but woe unto him, through whom they
come!” From Scripture, we can quickly ascertain that being a disciple and following Jesus does not mean that problems will not come. The religious mind thinks that trouble comes only to
those who deserve it.
Not so. Jesus said trouble will come. So don’t waste your time trying to figure out why; doing that puts you and i right back into a judgment situation.
I know people who no longer walk with God because they judged that God caused or allowed certain events to happen.
In light of their judgment, they thought God had rejected them.
As a result, they began to feel rejected. Their false feelings confirmed God’s “rejection” and so validated their false judgment.
In the end, they grew angry with God and rejected Him.
I repeat, Jesus never said that becoming His disciple would protect us from circumstance. However, He did teach us that if we are His disciples, we can build our lives on His teaching and live above the control and devastation of circumstance.This is precisely what He was teaching in this passage in Luke 17.
In times of real hardship even the most committed Christian can wonder “Has God abandoned me?” or “Why does God allow suffering in the first place?” In times like this, it can be difficult to see God’s providence and provision in your situation. If you’ve ever felt this way, you are not alone. The good new is that God offers us encouragement in his word.
Our Reaction Is the Determining Factor
Jesus did not focus very much attention on what befalls the violator. Instead, He went to great lengths to help us learn
the process whereby we can protect ourselves when an offense comes. He showed us that our concern should not be about the fate of the offender, but our own.
In Luke 17:3 He continued, “Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee….” We may ask, “Why should
I have to take heed? I am the victim! My offender is the one
who should take heed.” This is the very response He warned against.
We do not fall accidentally. We fall in response to events and circumstances. It is true, there are people out there who wrong us by deliberately attempting to make us fall. However, most offenses have nearly nothing to do with us. People are not doing things because of us; they are doing things because of who they
are. In our haste to judge, we assume that they do what they do because of us.
Actually, we are so self-centered that we think everything a person does is because of us. It is a shocking reality
for some to discover that they are not that important to anyone!
When the opportunity for offense comes, our reaction is the determining factor. Only when we react in an unscriptural way does the offense bring pain to our lives. Jesus told us what we should do when we are offended. He explained how we should not discuss it with anyone. We should not get others involved. Instead, we should rebuke the offender (not judge him).
A Rebuke-Not Judgment-Can Bring Healing
The word rebuke comes from two Greek words. One means “upon,” and the other means “to fix a value or to honor.” (See
Strong’s Concordance, #G1909 and #G5091.) Some translate it as “to charge strongly.” It could be that rebuking is nothing more than making a person aware of the value of their actions.
To say to a person, “I know why you did this,” is not a rebuke but a judgment. All we can say in a rebuke is this: “This is what you just did, and this is the effect (value) it had on me.”
Nothing more, nothing less. We cannot attach significance. We cannot use that action to judge what kind of person she is. We can tell the person that she has done this thing often. But we cannot
judge the motive, the intent. We simply say, “This is what you have done; this is how it affected me.” Most people are surprised when they learn the effects of their actions.
The remainder of Luke 17:3-4 gives us what should be our motive for the rebuke: “And if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a
day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him.”
Our goal should be to bring the offender to repentance. The goal cannot be punishment. Punishment is the penalty that we think a person deserves based on our judgment. Judgment precedes
vengeance. Until we pass judgment, we have no desire for vengeance.
Remember, we have no right to vengeance. God said vengeance belongs to Him alone (Romans 12:19). The mere fact that we are seeking vengeance indicates that we have already
passed judgment.
In most cases, when someone learns how his or her behavior
is affecting us, the reply will be, “I didn’t know.” Then a person gets to learn how to be more tasteful in his or her behavior. At that moment a healing can happen that sets us free from the pain of the offense. Seldom does a confrontation of this sort become aggressive unless the offended person passes judgment.
True healing happens when everyone benefits from the event.When a person offends us, we can take it as an opportunity to experience the grace of God. We can use it to grow in love and mercy. Through it we can experience in God something that we may have never had before. The offender, too, can experience something from God through the situation that he may have never experienced. For many people, this can be the input they need in order to stop offensive behavior.
Sometimes, when we confront others, we discover that we are “too touchy.” In other words, there was no reason that the action should have hurt us. The Bible teaches in 1 Corinthians 13 that love is not touchy or oversensitive. Even when the issue at hand turns out to be our problem, we can still win. We can gain
insight into our beliefs and actions and have an opportunity to experience healing and freedom.
When we handle offense by using sound communication and relationship principles, we stop pain before it becomes torment.In a scriptural confrontation, everyone has a chance to grow.Everyone has a chance to experience healing. The cycle of pain and torment can end for everyone involved.
Let’s end today’s episode 9 with a true story of the power of goodness – the healing power of forgiveness by Aba Gayle, set in the United States to drive home the point we are making today about judging and forgiveness.
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
By Aba Gayle — Set in U.S.A.
Jen Han, age 17, USA
Joe Golling, USA
Detective Landry was gentle as he spoke those terrible words: “I’m sorry, but your daughter, Catherine, is dead. She was murdered, stabbed to death.”
My heart broke. My brain couldn’t think. Nothing was real. Surely I would wake to find the nightmare was over. I couldn’t let anyone hug me for fear I would break. I couldn’t cry for fear someone might hear. With the shower running full blast, I screamed and screamed and screamed. People thought I was fine, but a deep, dark rage boiled. All I thought about was revenge for the death of my beloved child.
Douglas Mickey was arrested, tried, convicted, and sentenced to death. People said once this villain was executed, I would be well again. Not knowing any better, I believed them. So, I waited, and I hated.
After eight long years of darkness, I took my first step toward healing. In a meditation course I sat, quieted my head, and was present. I began taking mother to church. I found not only myself, but the image of God in me. I became aware of being a beloved child of God.
I saw an interview with a Jewish holocaust survivor. He forgave not only the German people, but the actual guards who killed his whole family. When I heard his testimony of forgiveness, something in me became clear. I thought perhaps I could forgive the man who murdered Catherine.
One evening a friend suggested that I let the murderer know of my intent. I was outraged! No way would I communicate with him. This was between God and me.
But as I drove home, I heard a voice, “You must forgive him, and let him know!” The voice was so loud and convincing I didn’t sleep. At four in the morning, I found myself typing a letter to the man who murdered Catherine.
I can still feel the shivers going down my spine as I closed the mailbox. All the anger, rage, and lust for revenge simply vanished. In its place, was the most wonderful feeling of joy and peace. I knew, in that holy instant, no one had to be executed for me be heal. I had been healed by the simple act of offering forgiveness.
To my surprise, I received a gentle and kind rely. Douglas expressed sorrow for his crime, adding that he understood how empty such words might sound. He wrote, “Gayle, your letter meant more to me than I can ever tell you. The knowledge that I inflicted such terrible pain on you was a burden my heart and soul could not bear. Your letter of forgiveness released me of that pain. Knowing you were able to deal with Catherine’s death and find new sources of love and wisdom gave me exquisite pleasure and released my soul’s agony. I would gladly give my life, this instant, if it would in any way change that terrible night.” I realized that the night Catherine lost her life, Douglas lost his future.
This brings us to the end of
Series – Perfect Relationship: 24 Tools for Building BRIDGES to Harmony and Taking Down WALLS of Conflict in our Relationships
Episode 9 – Breaking the Power of Pain – true story of forgiveness to a murderer on death roll by Aba Gayle
+ 7 outstanding lessons from the Story of Jesus’s birth for life application this Christmas
I hope you learnt something that can be applied or you will like to discuss with us?
The Healing Power of Forgiveness
By Aba Gayle — Set in U.S.A.
Jen Han, age 17, USA
Joe Golling, USA
Detective Landry of the Sheriff’s Office was gentle as he spoke those terrible words to me: “I’m sorry, but your daughter, Catherine, is dead. Your daughter was murdered, stabbed to death.” That was September 1980.
My heart broke. My brain couldn’t think. None of this day was real. Surely I would wake up to find the nightmare over. But deep inside, I knew it was real. I couldn’t let anyone hug me, for fear I would break down. I couldn’t cry. Someone might hear me. I took a shower. With the water running full blast, I screamed and screamed and screamed.
My time of darkness lasted eight years. I had no support during this time and no faith. To survive, I stayed calm and avoided causing problems. I thought I had to be strong to help everyone else. I didn’t want to burden my family. I thought they had enough to do to put aside their own pain. For awhile, I couldn’t drive my car alone, because when I was alone I would cry and couldn’t see the road.
If you knew me at that time, you may not have seen the dark cloud I carried. You would have thought I was getting along fine. Yet, I found myself isolated. A deep, dark rage began to boil. All I thought about was revenge for the death of my beloved child.
Douglas Mickey was arrested, tried, convicted of murder and sentenced to death in 1982 for killing Catherine. People told me that once this villain was executed, I would be healed of my pain and all would be well again. Not knowing any better, I thought this was true. So, I waited, and I hated. After eight long years, I began my first step toward healing. I took a course in meditation. I was able to sit quietly, to be quiet in my head, and to be present in the moment.
I was blessed to be able to live with and care for my ailing mother. I looked for ways to help her enjoy the highest quality of life possible. One way was to take her to church. I found a beautiful little church not far from our home. There, I found not just myself, but the image of God in me. I started reading my way through the church’s bookstore. I came to the awareness that I am a beloved child of God and that God is a loving God.
I saw a video at the church in which I got my first glimpse of the healing power of forgiveness. They interviewed a Jewish holocaust survivor. He was able to forgive not only the German people, but also the actual guards in the camps who had killed every member of his family. Something in me became clear when I heard his testimony of forgiveness. After many hours of study, prayer and discussions with others, I thought that perhaps I could forgive the man who murdered Catherine. One evening I mentioned it in class, and a church classmate suggested that I should let the murderer know of my intent. I was outraged! There was no way I wanted to communicate with him. This was between God and me.
I was still feeling out of sorts after class. But as I drove home, I heard a voice within me say, “You must forgive him, and you must let him know!” The voice was so loud and so convincing that I didn’t sleep that night. At four in the morning, I found myself typing a letter to the man who murdered Catherine.
Here is my letter, as I wrote it that night:
Dear Mr. Mickey,
Twelve years ago, I had a beautiful daughter named Catherine. She was a young woman of unusual talents and intelligence. She was slender and her skin glowed with health and vitality. She had long naturally wavy hair that framed her sparkling eyes and a warm bright smile. She radiated love and joy. She was raising two milk goats, her German shepherd with a new litter of ten puppies, and an Arabian mare.
Two months after her 19th birthday, Catherine left her earthly body. I know that Catherine is in a better place than we can ever know here on earth. I did not know that when Catherine died. I knew that I had been robbed of my precious child and that she had been robbed of growing into womanhood and achieving all of her potential. The violent way she left this earth was impossible for me to understand. I was saddened beyond belief and felt that I would never be completely happy again.
And indeed my loss of Catherine became the point of reference for my entire family. All family history was prefaced as happening either before or after Catherine’s death. I was very angry with you and wanted to see you punished to the limit of the law. You had done irreparable damage to my family and my dreams for the future.
Four years ago, I started my journey of life. I met wonderful teachers and slowly began to learn about my God-Self. In the midst of this, I was surprised to find that I could forgive you. This does not mean that I think you are innocent or that you are blameless for what happened.
What I learned is this: You are a divine child of God. You carry the Holy Spirit within you. You are surrounded by God’s love even as you sit in your cell. There is only the goodness of God.
Do not look to me to be a political or social advocate in your behalf. The law of the land will determine your fate. Do not waste your last days on earth with remorse and fear. Death as we know it is really a new beginning.
I hope that this letter will help you face your future. There is only love and good in the world regardless of how things may appear to you now. I am willing to write to you or visit you if you wish. I send blessings to you and to your children. The Christ in me sends blessings to the Christ in you.
(Signed) Gayle, Mother of Catherine
I can still feel the shivers going up and down my spine as I heard the little click that the hinge of the mailbox made as I dropped in this letter. With that sound, all the anger, all the rage, all the lust for revenge simply vanished.
In its place, I was filled with the most wonderful feeling of joy and peace. I knew in that holy instant, I did not need to have anyone executed for me to be healed.
It would not matter if Douglas Mickey responded to my letter. I had received a more profound answer. I had been healed by the simple act of offering forgiveness. However, I did get a letter back.
I was amazed at the gentleness and kindness of the writer. Douglas wrote words of gratitude. He expressed sorrow for the crime, adding that he understood how empty such words might sound. He had obviously spent years searching for answers himself. He went on to say, “Gayle, your letter meant more to me than I can ever tell you. The knowledge that I had inflicted such terrible pain on you was a burden my heart and soul could not bear. Your letter of forgiveness released me of that pain. Knowing you were able to deal with Catherine’s death and find new sources of love and wisdom gave me exquisite pleasure and released my soul’s agony. I would gladly give my life, this instant, if it would in any way change that terrible night.” I realized that the night Catherine lost her life, Douglas also lost his future.
Post Script
Aba Gayle did visit San Quentin Prison, her first time inside a jail or prison. She was surprised to discover that the men awaiting execution were ordinary looking me, not monsters. Douglas greeted her; “The spirit of Christ in me most gratefully accepts and return blessings of divine Wisdom, Love and charity to the spirit of Christ in you.” After many visits, Aba Gayle began a mini prison ministry visiting with Douglas and other men and women sentenced to die for their crimes. She became a political and social advocate for these prisoners. Douglas has been counseling other prisoners on forgiveness.
Reporters ask her if any of the people on Death Row have committed such awful crimes that she cannot treat them with compassion. She says, “I don’t deal with their crime. I deal with the God spirit within them. That is the truth of their being. It is the truth for every one of us. I believe deeply that love and forgiveness is the way to make our world a kinder, safer place.”
You can contact Aba Gayle at: the Catherine Blount Foundation, Box 4952, Santa Rosa, CA 95402 and by e-mail at: abagayle@pacbell.net; and www.catherineblountfdn.org.
Discussion Questions
- Why did Aba Gayle not cry or ask others for help when Catherine was killed?
- Did Aba Gayle have to know the person who killed her daughter before she forgave him?
- What happened after Aba Gayle and Douglas got to know one another?
- Does forgiveness help the forgiver or the forgiven more?
- When exactly did complete forgiveness happen between Aba Gayle and Douglas? What was going on then?
- Tell about a time when you were able to forgive someone who did something to you. How did you feel? What made it possible for you to forgive?
- Tell about a time when someone forgave you. How did you feel?
- Would you be able to forgive as Aba Gayle did?
- The first meeting between Aba Gayle and Douglas grew into an ongoing friendship. How do you feel about this?
- How did Aba Gayle’s forgiveness change Douglas’s life? What did he do to help other prisoners?
