Episode 11 – Be Observers and not Judges – Two True life stories – Two Wounded judgmental Parents and their Unruly,  Prodigal Children – Chris, Jenny and Jack

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Friday, January 6th, 2023

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Podcast link: https://anchor.fm/otakada.org/episodes/Episode-11—Be-Observers-and-not-Judges—Two-True-life-stories—Two-Wounded-judgmental-Parents-e1t5m8j

Blog post: https://www.otakada.org/episode-11-be-observers-and-not-judges-two-true-life-stories/

Short Youtube video with Motion Pictures –

Full video – YouTube link: https://youtu.be/_w7UcBS1Xyo

Series – Perfect Relationship: 24 Tools for Building BRIDGES to Harmony and Taking Down WALLS of Conflict in our Relationships.

Episode 11 – Be Observers and not Judges – Two True life stories – Two Wounded judgmental Parents and their unruly,  prodigal children – Chris, Jenny and Jack – Parent and child relationship.

Friends, happy new year of limitless possibilities in partnership with the Holy Spirit in you in Jesus name, Amen!

Last year, in our final post on Episode 10, we explored The Power of Significance  – True story 1 –  Amina’s inner vow and judgement concerning her brother prevented her from having male children until delivered + True story 2 – Pastor James’s judgement against step father Andrew and grandmother Hannah and key lessons for You.

In our Series – Perfect Relationship: 24 Tools for Building BRIDGES to Harmony and Taking Down WALLS of Conflict in our Relationships.

You can find that blog post via this link –

https://www.otakada.org/episode-10-the-power-of-significance-two-true-story/

We also delivered a 10 minutes motion video images on YouTube via this link https://youtu.be/_hKihtQkITg

We also delivered to you this Monday a true story on perfect health – wisdom for living in 2023 and how to discern God’s voice see the link here https://www.otakada.org/perfect-health-wisdom-for-living-in-2023/

Let’s take today’s Two True life stories – Two Wounded judgmental Parents and their unruly,  prodigal children – Chris, Jenny and Jack.

The year was 1982 – For over two years Molly had carried on a constant battle with her teenage son, Chris, then fourteen years old. Chris major problem was his apparent inability to get along at school, especially with his teachers and the principal. Chris has been suspended from school several times. His grades were terrible, and he seemed unwilling to cooperate with anyone in authority.

Molly began to think of ways to begin putting the principle of not judging into practice with Chris. Molly soon got her chance. About 11:00 A.M. the next
day the principal at Chris’s school called to say that Chris was being suspended again.

As Molly drove into the school driveway, she saw Chris standing by the curb with his hands in his pockets and his head down, staring at the sidewalk, a picture of total depression. When Chris stepped into the car, Molly struggled to overcome her usual reaction: berating, judging,
threatening, with angry words spoken loudly.

This day it was going to be different. She decided to try a new approach based on principle of not judging but loving she had learnt the night before.

Molly reached over and laid her hand gently on Chris’s drooping shoulder and said, “Honey, I’m sorry you’re having a bad day. If you want to talk about it, I’m here to listen.” Molly said that Chris suddenly turned his head toward her and with eyes wide open responded, “Mom! For real? You mean that?” Mother and son had a good cry in each other’s arms. On the drive home and later in the den, Chris poured out his heart as he had never done before.

Molly said she just sat there, caring with nonjudgmental listening, and it was the beginning of the healing process. Chris had since returned to school and his
behavior and grades were rapidly improving.

The stories of growth and change have been many, and each one is unique. But they illustrate that there are
workable ways to cope with parental discouragement, especially in the area of relating with children.

These ways follow biblical principles that work hand-in-hand with sound psychology as it relates to wholesome
parent-child relationships.

Not all of the stories that have been relayed have had as quick and satisfying results as the story of Molly and Chris.

Some parents have seen no change in their situation. Their children are still causing them much pain and
the parents are simply learning how to cope a little better.

Other parents have had to wait years to see any changes.

The next couple, in their middle-age years, had two young adult children that had caused their parents a lot of heartache and there had been no contact with the children for over two years. The last word they had was that their son was somewhere in Texas and the daughter was somewhere on the West Coast. The parents had decided to block Jack and Jennie out of their minds because the pain their children had caused had been too much to bear.

Bob and Sally began to pray for special guidance concerning. This in itself was a breakthrough, since Bob and Sally had stopped going to church and praying. Soon they decided to start looking for Jack and Jennie.
Through a variety of contacts they found Jack in a county jail awaiting sentencing on a drug charge, but part of his problem was that he had gotten hooked on drugs.
Bob hired an attorney and talked with the judge about possible options for Jack. The judge agreed to release Jack if he would agree to enter a drug rehabilitation program.

Jack agreed and in two months was able to come home and look for work. Bob and Sally took Jack back into their home and helped him find a job.
It took longer to find Jennie. Eventually Bob and Sally located their daughter in California. She had been through two marriages and was now divorced, had two children, and was living on welfare. Jennie was sent airline tickets for a flight home. Sally offered to take care of the children, and Bob said he would help Jennie find a job.

That is the end of our story. What have you learnt from these parents of handling their children behavior? How do you plan to address yours or someone you know in similar situation? Share with us your success, stories and where you will need counseling.

We encourage you, me and others to hid this instruction: Be Observers and not Judges

“through judgment, observation is distorted and discernment lost.” 

Let’s read the account in God’s word of how Adam gained ability to judge and please do meditate on these scriptures below:

Explainer:

If judgment belongs to God, then it is highly possible that, before the Fall Adam did not have the capacity or the tendency to judge. We know that when Adam sinned, he gained the ability to judge good and evil for himself-something that
he did not previously possess. The ability to judge was a part of Satan’s destructive offer. Adam ultimately trusted his own judgment over God’s. Possessing the power of judgment, in addition to a fearful nature, drove him away from God.

Before the Fall, Adam trusted God and His opinion. He had no need or desire to determine good and evil for himself. Prior to the Fall, Adam was an observer of the world. When he wanted to know why, he looked to his Father and Creator. There was no need for judgment because there was no fear. When Adam fell, however, he became fearful by nature.

The sin nature is at heart fearful; fear was Adam’s first new emotion after becoming a sinner. His self-worth plummeted, and he no longer trusted
what God said about anything. In effect, he became the god of his own world; and as god, he reserved the right to judge for
himself. Judgment, however, is the main act of fear.

How to Stop the Pain
As new creations in Christ Jesus with a new nature, we should be free from fear. Our self-worth should be established in our new identity in Christ Jesus.

As disciples of our Lord Jesus, we should
trust His Word. We should be free from the need to judge, we should return to the place of experiencing life as an observer, free from the need to act as a god.

Watch the Fruit and Be Wise

When speaking of false prophets, Jesus said,
By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit.
(Matthew 7:16-18 NIV)

This principle applies to everyone across the board; we have only one way of knowing people: by their fruit.
Fruit is the only thing that is observable, and fruit is something that grows over time. It is not a single event, a mistake, or
even our current actions. Our fruit is our track record. We are likely to do in the future what we have done consistently in the past. Our track record is all anyone knows about us.

Knowing our track record, however, does not give anyone the right to make a judgment about our motives in any situation. It does not justify their every criticism. A person’s track record simply gives us observable, measurable data so that we can use wisdom in relating to him or her. It does not give us the right to treat him without love and respect. And it certainly does not mean that people cannot grow and change. It simply tells us what they have a tendency to do.

Commit to becoming an observer instead of a judge. It is easy to think that if we don’t know people’s motives, if we fail to
judge them, then we won’t know how to relate to them. But this is wrong thinking. God’s Word is full of wisdom about how to relate to people, how to develop trust, whom to depend on, and whom not to depend on. But in true “god of our own world” fashion, we reject His wisdom and apply our own judgment. It all comes back to fear – our fears tend to drive us to trust our judgment rather than God’s. In our attempt to protect ourselves from future pain (which we fear), we judge. But instead of freeing us from pain, it distorts our observation, and true discernment is lost. The result of judgment is always more pain.

Years ago, a young man came to me in a time of financial need.
This young man had grown up in our church. He and his family
were very dear to me. I had helped this young man financially
in the past and strained our relationship somewhat, because he
was always slow in making his payments.
I loved this young man, and I was not willing to risk our
friendship through another difficult financial situation. As he
told me his need, my heart went out to him. I really wanted to
help him, but experience told me to find another way to help.
As we talked, I helped him explore other options for getting the
money. He was disappointed and offended that I did not lend
him the money he needed, and he left with negative feelings. I really felt bad about not helping him, but wisdom told me it was the responsible way to handle the situation.

Justifying Your Actions Is Still Judging

I want to explain something here. So often in these types of situations we feel the need to justify saying “no.” The problem is, in order to justify our action, to justify saying “no,” we must pass a negative judgment about the person. It is still judgment. The moment we justify our “no,” the discomfort usually escalates to a conflict, and we destroy a valuable relationship. Even more disconcerting, we destroy our opportunity to help the person solve the root of his or her problem.

How to Stop the Pain

Then there are times when we want to violate wisdom. Again, we feel the need to justify our actions, so we pass a good judgment. We come up with all kinds of good reasons why the young
man didn’t pay on time, for example. When we create enough good judgments to justify our actions, what usually results is a bad decision. Most people pass judgments to justify their actions.
This need to judge is a reflection of both fear and low self-worth.If we choose to violate wisdom and lend money to a person with a poor track record (fruit), we should simply give (as opposed to lend) it and admit to ourselves that we will probably never get it back.

Or, in an even more complex situation, people may ask us to pass a judgment. Of course, they will never say, “I want you to judge me.” Instead, they will give us reasons for their past actions.
Eventually they will ask us to trust something that cannot be measured by observation. They will ask us to judge them as good, even though their fruit was bad. Of course, it is not wrong
to help someone who probably can’t be trusted. It could be an act of mercy or kindness. But when it is motivated by judgment, it is not love or kindness; it is foolishness. When people provide
excuses for their poor track record, they are saying, “Let me tell you why. I want you to judge me as a good risk even though my entire track record is bad. I want to give you an excuse to-act in my behalf.”

Love does not need an excuse to act. We have love because love is the product of our relationship with God. It is His character infusing our character. It is the grace of God-making us able to act in Godlike character and compassion. The moment we justify our actions by a judgment, good or bad, it is no longer love.

Eventually the young man came back and appologized for how he felt about me that night. He realized that I was helping him to be a responsible man when he didn’t want to be. He admitted
that he had been looking for the easy way out. Now, not everyone will come back and apologize. But, as in this situation, the opportunity will be there for a future relationship. My freedom from judgment salvaged a relationship that I deeply valued.

During that second visit, this young man started establishing a new track record, one that in the future would make him more trustworthy.

Learning to (observe and not judge has saved me from so much pain and conflict. It also has forced me to face my own issues. Why do I often want to say “no” and lack the strength to do it? Why do I often want to say “yes” and don’t follow through?
Judgment! Judgment focuses on the other person so that we can excuse our actions. When we judge, we are no longer motivated by our hearts, the wisdom of God’s Word, the voice of God in our
hearts, or the love of God in our hearts. Instead, we are led by our attempts to be the god of our own world. And this limits us to the wisdom of our judgments.
Being free from judgment makes it possible for you to act out of your own nature. It frees you to act for your reason instead of others’ reasons. It frees you from the torment of finding fault to justify your saying “no.” It frees you from the need to find excuses to justify your saying “yes.” And it allows your “yea [to] be yea; and your nay, nay” (James 5:12).
It is always acceptable to say, “I would rather not,” or “I am uncomfortable with this.” These are the types of statements that we can make without passing a judgment. When wisdom dictates, it is often valuable to say, “My past experience with you makes me believe this will have a negative outcome, and I don’t want to risk our relationship.” There are many things we can do and say without passing judgment and one of the most gracious things we can ever do is give a person the opportunity to establish a new track record.

This brings us to the end of Episode 11 – Be Observers and not Judges – Two True life stories – Two Wounded judgmental Parents and their unruly,  prodigal children – Chris, Jenny and Jack – Parent and child relationship of our

Series – Perfect Relationship: 24 Tools for Building BRIDGES to Harmony and Taking Down WALLS of Conflict in our Relationships.