Episode 14 – You’re the Problem Not Me! – How to Stop the Pain – Externalist – Comparing and Playing the Blame Game – True Stories 

³⁶ “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?” ³⁷ And Jesus replied to him, “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind.’³⁸ This is the first and greatest commandment 

John 17:22-23,26
Amplified Bible
Their Future Glory
22 I have given to them the glory and honor which You have given Me, that they may be one, just as We are one; 23 I in them and You in Me, that they may be perfected and completed into one, so that the world may know [without any doubt] that You sent Me, and [that You] have loved them, just as You have loved Me.

26 and I have made Your name known to them, and will continue to make it known, so that the love with which You have loved Me may be in them [overwhelming their heart], and I [may be] in them.”

2) We should Love our Enemies

Matthew 5:38-48
Amplified Bible
38 “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth [punishment that fits the offense].’ 39 But I say to you, do not resist an evil person [who insults you or violates your rights]; but whoever [a]slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other toward him also [simply ignore insignificant insults or trivial losses and do not bother to retaliate—maintain your dignity, your self-respect, your poise]. 40 If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, [b]let him have your coat also [for the Lord repays the offender]. 41 And whoever [c]forces you to go one mile, go with him two. 42 Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you.

43 “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor (fellow man) and hate your enemy.’ 44 But I say to you, [d]love [that is, unselfishly seek the best or higher good for] your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45 so that you may [show yourselves to] be the children of your Father who is in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on those who are evil and on those who are good, and makes the rain fall on the righteous [those who are morally upright] and the unrighteous [the unrepentant, those who oppose Him]. 46 For if you love [only] those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do that? 47 And if you greet only your brothers [wishing them God’s blessing and peace], what more [than others] are you doing? Do not even the Gentiles [who do not know the Lord] do that? 48 You, therefore, will be perfect [growing into spiritual maturity both in mind and character, actively integrating godly values into your daily life], as your heavenly Father is perfect.

3) We should Not condemn our Enemies or judge others 

Matthew 7:1-5
Amplified Bible
Judging Others
7 “[a]Do not judge and criticize and condemn [others unfairly with an attitude of self-righteous superiority as though assuming the office of a judge], so that you will not be judged [unfairly]. 2 For just as you [hypocritically] judge others [when you are sinful and unrepentant], so will you be judged; and in accordance with your standard of measure [used to pass out judgment], judgment will be measured to you. 3 Why do you look at the [insignificant] speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice and acknowledge the [egregious] log that is in your own eye? 4 Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me get the speck out of your eye,’ when there is a log in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite (play-actor, pretender), first get the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

John 8:7
King James Version
7 So when they continued asking him, he lifted up himself, and said unto them, He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.

Acts 7:59-60
Amplified Bible, Classic Edition
59 And while they were stoning Stephen, he prayed, Lord Jesus, receive and accept and welcome my spirit!

60 And falling on his knees, he cried out loudly, Lord, fix not this sin upon them [lay it not to their charge]! And when he had said this, he fell asleep [a][in death].

4) It’s not about what we do, it’s about how we do it with the spirit of God – the character or the fruit of the Spirit of God is unconditional love – It’s what Jesus said and did that should be our very existence – We should live and do as Jesus did

Matthew 7:15-21
Amplified Bible
A Tree and Its Fruit
15 “Beware of the false prophets, [teachers] who come to you dressed as sheep [appearing gentle and innocent], but inwardly are ravenous wolves. 16 By their fruit you will recognize them [that is, by their contrived doctrine and self-focus]. Do people pick grapes from thorn bushes or figs from thistles? 17 Even so, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the unhealthy tree bears bad fruit. 18 A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. 19 Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. 20 Therefore, by their fruit you will recognize them [as false prophets].

21 “Not everyone who says to Me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven.

John 14:15
Amplified Bible
15 “If you [really] love Me, you will keep and obey My commandments.

John 15:12-14
Amplified Bible
Disciples’ Relation to Each Other
12 “This is My commandment, that you [a]love and unselfishly seek the best for one another, just as I have loved you. 13 No one has greater love [nor stronger commitment] than to lay down his own life for his friends. 14 You are my friends if you keep on doing what I command you.

John 15:5
Amplified Bible
5 [a]I am the Vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him bears much fruit, for [otherwise] apart from Me [that is, cut off from vital union with Me] you can do nothing.

5) In God’s kingdom metric, It’s not about how many that we brought into the kingdom but the quality that was brought in and remained that counts – The Narrow way, not the popular way –

Matthew 7:13-14
New International Version
The Narrow and Wide Gates
13 “Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction, and many enter through it. 14 But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

John 6:57-66
Amplified Bible
57 Just as the living Father sent Me, and I live because of the Father, even so the one who feeds on Me [believes in Me, accepts Me as Savior] will also live because of Me. 58 This is the Bread which came down out of heaven. It is not like [the manna that] our fathers ate and they [eventually] died; the one who eats this Bread [believes in Me, accepts Me as Savior] will live forever.”

Words to the Disciples
59 He said these things in a synagogue while He was teaching in Capernaum.

60 When many of His disciples heard this, they said, “This is a difficult and harsh and offensive statement. Who can [be expected to] listen to it?” 61 But Jesus, aware that His disciples were complaining about it, asked them, “Does this cause you to stumble and take offense? 62 What then [will you think] if you see the Son of Man ascending to [the realm] where He was before? 63 It is the Spirit who gives life; the flesh conveys no benefit [it is of no account]. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and life [providing eternal life]. 64 But [still] there are some of you who do not believe and have faith.” For Jesus knew from the beginning who did not believe, and who would betray Him. 65 And He was saying, “This is the reason why I have told you that no one can come to Me unless it has been granted him [that is, unless he is enabled to do so] by the Father.”

⁶⁶ As a result of this ^[a]many of His disciples abandoned Him, and no longer walked with Him.

Having nailed these five points home, we can now jump right in the episode 14 today.

We are focusing on families because families are the bedrock of the society and the Christian faith. The last day church, the real church will not be held in large buildings but in small house fellowships in people’s homes because the last day church is going to be a very highly persecuted church and so many gatherings will go underground because of intense persecution. Let’s get into –

Episode 14 – You’re the Problem, Not Me! – How to Stop the Pain – Externalist – Comparing and Playing the Blame Game 

If I don’t blame you, where does that leave me?

The Pharisees were more than just legalists, they were also externalists. In other words, they had no concept of “living out of the heart.” They had reduced a relational walk with God to over six hundred daily rules of outward observation-all of which had little or no value regarding the motive of the heart. Jesus described them thus:

“These people honor me with their lips, but their hearts are far from me. They
worship me in vain; their teachings are but rules taught by men”
(Matthew 15:8-9 NIV).

Judgment is always a characteristic of externalists. Since externalists do not look and listen in their own hearts, they never experience the comfort of God’s love and acceptance.

They have no intimacy with God. Instead, they replace that intimacy with the false sense of security that comes from finding fault in others and thereby elevating themselves. And since they measure godliness externally, there is a constant comparing, condemning, and measuring.

Externalists do not try to follow God from the heart-it is all about behavior.

One of the best ways to keep people from scrutinizing your behavior is to find fault with their behavior. Not only does it take the spotlight off you, but it also gives you control over them by creating fear and self-doubt. From this emerges the mean heart of religion.

When the Pharisees asked Jesus about the coming of the kingdom of God, He replied, “The kingdom of God does not come with your careful observation, nor will people say, ‘Here it is,’ or There it is,’ because the kingdom of God is within you” (Luke 17:20-21 NIV).

Jesus pointed them to the place they never looked:
within themselves. The very idea of looking to the heart is foreign to externalists. Their entire way of life is built on measuring and criticizing one another’s faults.

Matthew 7:3 says, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (NIV).

Judgment is a tremendous defense mechanism.

Those who live in judgment always keep their focus on others in order to avoid dealing with their own issues.

In the name of ministry, we have made it an accepted agenda to fix others. This move violates every scriptural principle concerning the work of the Holy Spirit. We cannot fix people. It is not our job. Of course, this does not mean that we become passive about sin. It does not mean we condone an unacceptable lifestyle. It simply means that we adhere to biblical principles and procedures for personal transformation.

What God Do You Model?

Our primary role in leading someone into godly transformation is to model the character of God. We should show people love and acceptance. We should extend mercy. We should give them the truth in way that does not lower their self-worth.

We should model unfailing love. We should allow them to see the forbearance of God through us. In this kind of emotional environment, the Holy Spirit can speak to their hearts and draw them to God.

Unfortunately, we are all modeling the god we believe in.

Idolatry in the New Testament is seldom a person cutting down a tree, fashioning it into an idol, bowing before it, and saying, “You are my god.” Instead, Christian idolatry is when one creates a false image of God in his own heart and mind. When we see God differently than Jesus presented Him, we are idolaters.

As a result, we serve the god of our imagination while rejecting God the Father of the Lord Jesus, whom Jesus clearly showed us through His life’s teaching and model. Again, the god we show the world is the one we believe in.

A scriptural principle says, “You become what you behold.”
Psalm 34 presents this concept when it talks about magnifying the Lord. We cannot actually make God bigger, as the word magnify indicates. But we can make Him bigger in our own hearts and minds by focusing our attention on Him. The Scriptures teach that it is in His presence that we are transformed.

2 Corinthians 3:18

But we all, with unveiled face, beholding as in a mirror the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from glory to glory, just as from the Lord, the Spirit.

In 1 John 3, the Bible teaches that seeing Jesus as He is will be the power that transforms us. This transformation happens on a daily basis and will culminate in a complete change when He returns. On the other hand, the Bible warns against running with ungodly people. It warns against wicked fellowship. It tells us to avoid the presence of sin. It tells us to refuse to listen to teaching that will cause us to err from the truth. (See Proverbs 13:20; 1 Thessalonians 5:22; and 2 Timothy 4, for example.)
These admonitions are based on the principle that “what you behold, you become.” Whatever we hold in our mental focus for extended periods of time draws us and ultimately conforms us to its image. This principle can work for us or against us. God gave this ability for good, but too often we use it for our own destruction.

We want to be like God, and that is good. The problem is in our concept of God. You see, you become like the god you believe in. Sadly, the voice of condemnation that you hear in your heart is neither the voice of the devil nor the voice of God; it is the voice of self-criticism. Religion has taught you that it was the voice of God, but it is not.
At this moment, we all are expressing outwardly what we are experiencing inwardly. If we are experiencing condemnation in our hearts, then we can’t help but express condemnation to the world around us. If we feel scrutinized, we will in turn scrutinize. But if we feel love and acceptance, we will give love and acceptance.

To Know God Is to Know Love

The Bible says, “Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love” (1 John 4:7-8 NIV).) The word know comes from the Greek word ginosko. This word speaks of an experiential knowledge; it is experienced and felt. Since God is love, He gives love. If we are actually experiencing God, we will feel loved. If we are feeling something other than love, we are not experiencing God. Likewise, if we are not giving love, it is simply because we are not experiencing love from God in our own hearts.

Jesus said, “Freely you have received, freely give” (Matthew 10:8 NIV). One of the reasons people do not give the love of God freely is that they have never freely received it. They think they are laboring under God’s scrutiny. As a result, their natural reaction is to give scrutiny.

Not only are externalists out of touch with their hearts, but they are also afraid to look in their hearts. They need to keep the focus outward because they are afraid of whom they will see inside. They are afraid they will look in their hearts and find the mean, critical god they believe in. The truth is, once they get
past their vain imaginations regarding Him, they will find their loving heavenly Father, the God of all mercy and comfort.

Accepting the reality of God’s love for me delivers me from the need to find fault with others. My sense of security is now the product of a relationship with God in my heart. As I relate to God from my heart and experience the empowerment of love and acceptance, I will be more apt to model that love to others, I also will point others to God in their hearts instead of pointing to their behavior. Now I can love you instead of blame you!

Now, let’s dive into the true stories

True stories and lessons on The Pains of Comparing ourselves with ourselves, Blaming others and Danger of Driving forward with Rear View Mirror in our Relationships – Charles, and Marilyn Martin and their three (3) adult children failing Marriages; Looking Back-What Went Wrong?And What If… ? Robin,  Jack Stevens and Son, Richard; Arthur, Betsy Wallace, and Susan; Phil, Constance Fisher and Jeff

When Other People’s Children Turn Out Well

Wounded parents may sometimes be overly-sen-sitive to what happens to other people’s children, especially if those children appear successful, happy, and morally are very much aware of the upright. Apparent “losers” apparent “winners.”

Feelings of jealousy, even resentment, may prevail. It is so easy to get caught up in the process of comparing, and the resultant pain is never easy to handle.

The Pain of Comparing

Part of the pain of being a wounded parent is the pain of comparing your children, who have not turned out so well, with those of other families who, so it seems, turned out just as you had hoped your children would.

This is especially painful for parents who have tried to live a faithful Christian life, have been actively involved in the life of a church, and have sought to pass on to their children the values and beliefs of the Christian way.

Charles and Marilyn Martin had reared three children, two sons and a daughter. During all of their years at home these children had never given their parents an ounce of trouble. Well-adjusted, active in school and church, popular with other youth with high moral values, the Martin children were known as “some of the town’s finest.’

Within a span of seven years, following graduation from high school, all three of the Martin children had married and had been divorced. For Charles and Marilyn these were a most discouraging and painful seven years. They suffered through each divorce, seemingly hurting as much as did each child. The two sons had attended a small denominational college and had met their wives there. The daughter had married the son of a minister in the town where the Martins lived.

No one would ever have thought that the three Martin children would be divorced in a short time. People who rear and educate their children as Charles and Marilyn had done aren’t supposed to see their children’s marriages fail. That’s not the way the religious culture writes the script. Nevertheless, it happened. It happens to many families these days
when the divorce rate is higher than it ever has been.

One of the most painful aspects of this story is hearing Charles and Marilyn talk about the other youth who grew up alongside their three children, many from outside the church, who seemingly have had successful marriages. They want to know why their children’s marriages failed while others with less or no influence from the Christian faith have had successful marriages. Again, there is no easy answer.

Each marriage is unique. There is no general explanation for why some marriages fail. Moreover, it’s not fair for parents to blame themselves, or anyone else, for their children’s broken marriages. The blame game is never productive.
”
The game of comparing is also never productive. You probably don’t know the whole story in each case anyhow.

Your children may have been hasty and careless in choosing a mate and did not really work hard to make the marriage as the result of succeed. Others may have succeeded simply the unmerited grace and power of God in their lives, something you may not have known about. There could be a hundred different other reasons. Still, comparing your children’s situation with that of others is fruitless and painful. Don’t do it. You don’t have enough information to do a good job of it. Your energies need to be spent elsewhere.

Feelings of Jealousy

Probably the strongest emotion the Martins had to deal with was jealousy. They thought that they had done everything possible to produce three healthy, well-adjusted children whose marriages would be happy and fulfilling. But it didn’t work out that way.

Charles and Marilyn often wondered why a certain neighbor, who was the same age as their older son, had married and seemingly was happy. Yet this man’s parents had divorced some years ago, his mother had remarried a man few people liked, and no one in the family had anything to do with the church. This neighbor married a woman from
even less fortunate circumstances than his own. Why were these people able to make a success of marriage, while the Martin children weren’t? Charles and Marilyn became jealous, even resentful. Their resentment was probably aimed more toward God than toward anyone else. Why would He bless a non-Christian family and not theirs, they reasoned?
After all, hadn’t they done everything that the church taught would produce well-adjusted, happily-married children? For them, they felt, it didn’t work. God didn’t pay off as the church promised. A lot of people reason this way.

Why Can’t You Be Like Them?

A deadly trap for wounded parents to fall into is to use the example of other people’s “good kids” against their own children: “Why can’t you be like them? Why do you have to disappoint us so much? Other people’s children don’t act the way you do!”

Robin and Jack Stevens’s seventeen-year-old son Richard had had a series of confrontations, mostly involving traffic violations, with the local police. The Stevens’s next-door neighbors had twin sons, Ronald and Roger Marks, who were Richard’s age and who were as fine a set of boys as anyone could want. They were never into trouble at school or with the police. Both were, you guessed it, Eagle Scouts.

But the Stevenses were constantly using the Marks boys as examples of how Richard should behave. What Robin and Jack failed to realize was that each time they did this (“why can’t you be like them?”) Richard deeply resented it.
He wasn’t Ronald or Roger. He wanted to be his own self.

The comparison actually served to drive Richard further into rebellious and illegal behavior.
You can’t make your children into someone else’s image.

You have to give them the freedom to be themselves. When they do engage in foolish behavior, as Richard did, you as parents can, first of all, try to understand the cause of the behavior (attention-seeking, for example); second, let them
experience the consequences of their behavior (traffic violations result in fines or loss of driver’s license); third, establish a mutually-agreed-on and fair set of rules by which you live (abuse of car privileges means loss of the keys this week or this month); fourth, try to talk about the cause of the problem and possibilities for solutions in calm, rational language; and fifth, make sure you are living by your own rules.

But throwing the “good” example of other children up to your own “bad” children is like a husband trying to tell his bride what a great cook his mother is. It just won’t work. It creates resentment.

Rejoice with Those Who Rejoice

When your children have disappointed you, and they have broken traces and rejected your moral values and religious beliefs, you can easily look around and find several examples of children who didn’t do that. They turned out as you wished your children had. It will be a serious mistake for you to sink into jealousy and resentment. You will only hurt yourself more and possibly create a barrier to ever rebuilding a healthy relationship with your own children.

You will do much better to rejoice with those who rejoice.
Be grateful that in these days of shifting values, a time of great difficulty in rearing children (was it ever easy?), there are some parents who feel doubly fortunate that their children turned out as well as they did. You just might be able to learn something from them.

If these parents have good communication with their children, get to know them well enough to find out their secret.

You may not be able to detect any difference, but if you do, that information will be worth knowing. You may learn something about yourself (for example, that you are overly-critical, a negative thinker, pessimistic, or have shallow religious faith or superficial values) that you can now see prevents good communication with your children.
But you can’t learn these things if you retreat into jealousy and resentment. Rejoice with those who rejoice over their children and they will come to your aid and possibly become a supportive influence in your life.

Weep with Those Who Weep-You’re Qualified

Look around you. As a wounded parent, you are not alone.

There are lots of us, in and out of church. Many are the stories that could break the heart of any sympathetic listener. Some suicides of those over age forty are the result of being a wounded parent. These are people who can no longer bear the pain. Some divorces of people over forty are the result of being a wounded parent. These are people whose experiences with their children caused them to turn against each other, and the strain on the marriage was too much.

They blamed each other for what their children did and in time destroyed what love they had for each other.

Wounded parents need each other. The temptation to engage in self-pity as we look at other people’s children who turned out well must be resisted. There is healing for both yourself and others when you choose to weep with those who weep. After all, as a wounded parent, you are qualified.

You, of all people, can understand those who are going through similar ordeals with their children. Specific suggestions about how this can be done in healthy and constructive ways will be mentioned in future episodes.

First set of Questions for Discussion
1. Are you caught up in the pain of comparing?
2. How would you have counseled the Martins if they had sought your advice?
3. How can parents cope with feelings of jealousy?
4. Can you honestly rejoice with those parents who a rejoicing?
5. Do you know of other wounded parents who need you?
How can you make yourself available to them? 

Let’s look at the other stories – Looking Back-What Went Wrong?And What If… ?Robinin,  Jack Stevens and Son, Richard; Arthur, Betsy Wallace, and Susan; Phil, Constance Fisher and Jeff.

Looking Back-
What Went Wrong?
And What If… ?

Many parents want to learn from their mistakes.

It is natural for us to look back and wonder, “What went wrong? What were our mistakes?” However, if we are not careful, we will ask, “Who is to blame for what went wrong?

What if you had done your part in assuming parental responsibility? What if you had stayed home more? What if you had not nagged so much? What if ..?” We can either point a finger or do something about ourselves in the present.

Playing the Blame Game

I have already mentioned the dangers of playing the blame game. Because this is such a prevalent practice among wounded parents, I think it needs further attention. On discovering Susan’s pregnancy, Arthur and Betsy Wallace soon found themselves embroiled in the game of each blaming the other for Susan’s behavior. Arthur was especially prone to blame someone or something whenever an unfortunate situation developed. As a minister, he could not admit that he himself could have made any mistakes with his daughter.

“Ministers are supposed to be perfect,” so dictated his culture, and Arthur felt he had to live up to that standard.

For several years, Betsy and Susan had had what seemed to have been more than their share of mother-daughter spats.
Both were headstrong females who could easily become locked into a power struggle. Arthur was quick to point out to Betsy that someday Susan would go beyond combat and do something foolish “just to get even. Arthur could now say, “I told you so.” And he did.

Betsy countered in self-defense: “If only you more time with us at home instead of always being at the church or out of town on speaking engagements or conferences, this would never have happened.” One accusation was countered by another. Neither appeared willing to assume any responsibility for what happened. Neither considered the possibility of the cause or causes lying somewhere else, such as in Susan’s own choices of friends, lifestyle, and behavior, which had little or nothing to do with what her father and mother did or did not do.

Phil and Constance Fisher also allowed themselves to become trapped in blaming each other for Jeff’s involvement with drugs. Constance immediately laid the blame for Jeff’s problem on Phil’s ambition to move up in the company’s ranks. If Phil had not taken this new position and moved the family to this particular city, then Jeff would not have been in this high school where he met this particular group of friends. If only we had stayed where we were and had not moved here, none of this would have happened argued Constance.

In response, Phil accused Constance of becoming over-involved in social clubs, community activities, and church, to the point that she had neglected her duties as Jeff’s mother.

If she had stayed home more and had been a better mother to Jeff, he would never have felt a need to experiment with drugs, reasoned Phil.
Both the Wallaces and the Fishers soon discovered that

playing the blame game is a losing situation for everyone involved. No one wins. Such a game is extremely counterproductive.

Staying Out of the Blame Game

When your son or daughter has rebelled against your Christian beliefs and values, it is normal to look back over the years and ask yourself, “What went wrong?” But instead of asking, “Who’s to blame?” or “Whose fault was it?” it is so much more productive to ask, “What can I learn from this? How can I best relate to my child now that all of this has happened? How can my husband or wife and I work together in building a new relationship with our child?” In other words, stay out of the blame game at all costs.

Staying out of the blame game is not easy. We are so often prone to defend, protect, or cover up our wounded egos. For many of us, it is painful to admit that we made some mistakes in rearing our children. This is especially true of women. One of the most difficult thoughts for woman to entertain is, “I was not a good mother.” She will do everything possible to avoid facing that reality. However, the truth of the matter may well be that the child’s behavior

may not be the result of bad parenting at all.

And yet what is wrong with a wounded parent admitting that he or she is not perfect and that several mistakes were made in the rearing of one’s children? Who said we had to be superparents?

There are no perfect parents. It is best to be honest.

Avoiding the “What if…” Guilt Trip

In addition to staying out of the blame game, wounded parents need to avoid the “What if .” guilt trip. When your child goes astray, there will be a strong temptation to survey the past years and punish yourself with such thoughts as,
“What if I had been a better mother or father? What if we had not moved into this particular neighborhood or put him or her in that particular school? What if I, as a mother, had not gone to work but had stayed home? What if we had been more strict? What if we had been more lenient?” The “what ifs” can be endless.

Such questions are not only a form of self-flagellation but also are nonproductive and a waste of mental and emotional energy. Such mental searching goes nowhere. It is a guilt trip. You are assuming full responsibility for what your son or daughter has done or become. You may be partially responsible in some ways. To the degree that you can recognize those mistakes, confess them to God, to your child, and to your spouse. Then accept their forgiveness and be done with it.

How do you confess your perceived mistakes? The Bible has much to say about confession, pertaining both to confession to God and to others. See Psalm 32; Proverbs 23:13; Matthew 5:23-24; James 5:16; and I John 1:9.

God’s forgiveness is clearly promised and eagerly offered.
Confessing your perceived mistakes to your son or daughter is not so easy. Timing and place will be important. Only God, working through your good common sense, can impress you to know when and where that will be. But do confess your mistakes to your child. However, do not expect your child to readily respond in kindness and forgiveness. He or she will need time and some maturity to know how to respond. Someone has to take the first step in reconciliation.

When you do your part, leave the response in the hands of God and in the will of your child. Be patient.

Learning from the Past

Instead of engaging in the fruitless search for who is to blame for what went wrong, why not try to learn from the past? Arthur and Betsy Wallace decided that the present and future were more important than the past. They realized that if they were going to have a meaningful relationship with Susan in the years ahead they would have to avoid expressing a judgmental attitude toward both one another and Susan.

More importantly, they believed that somehow they could learn a great deal about themselves by carefully analyzing and patiently discussing with each other their relationship with Susan over the past few years. From this understanding, they felt that they could better relate to their daughter, perhaps building a new and stronger relationship with her.
Through working with a competent pastor friend (one trained in clinical pastoral education), the Wallaces gradually recognized several helpful, although sometimes painful, truths about themselves, about Susan, and about parentchild relationships in their family. In their case, it helped for Susan to participate in the counseling, although she met with the counselor privately most of the time.

First of all, the Wallaces learned that Susan had developed a poor self-image. Some of this was due to her physical size. She was always much smaller than her peers, and often was mistaken for being three to five years younger than her actual age.

Instead of viewing herself as petite, she chose to perceive herself as the runt of the family. Consequently, Susan believed herself to be ugly, unlovable, even rejectable.
Actually, most people considered her beautiful. But it is self-perception that really matters.

Second, Susan (and her parents) discovered that subconsciously she had for some years been blaming God for making her so small. If God made her so small that she was rarely asked for a date, so immature-looking that most people saw and treated her as a child rather than as a young woman, so “ugly” that no one would love or accept her, then He must not be a loving God who had her best interests at heart. Therefore, she chose to reject such a God and the standards of morality identified with Him. Susan’s behavior reflected the anger she felt for what God had done to her physically.

The Wallaces also learned much about themselves: that the regular arguments, disagreements, and generally unhappy atmosphere reflected in their marriage contributed to Susan’s desire to look for happiness in alternative lifestyles outside the value system of her own home; that they had been more judgmental than nurturing toward Susan; that they had favored her brother Roger most of the time, causing underlying resentment in Susan; that they were often so busy at the church that Susan felt neglected at certain crucial moments in her teen years. When she wanted to share joys or sorrows, no one at home seemed to have time for her.

Arthur, in particular, discovered that his own occasional sense of vocational frustration (and what minister has not felt such?) had unwittingly been projected onto Susan for no special reason. In other words, he sometimes took his own frustrations out on Susan by harsh and overbearing restrictions. This was later reversed when Susan became a high-school senior because Arthur, in seeking to regain her love, allowed her to do whatever she pleased. Such fathering produced moral confusion for a developing young woman.

Susan interpreted this to mean that the standards at home really did not matter.
Betsy learned that she, too, had allowed her personal frustrations to contaminate her relationship with Susan. Both Betsy and Susan were the older children in their respective families of orientation and therefore tended to get into power struggles. Each felt the need to prove, “I’m in charge; after all, I’m older; I’m expected to be the boss.” In addition, Betsy felt that Susan had to be a “perfect” child or else Betsy would not be a good mother. Consequently, Betsy tended to be overbearing, demanding, and perfectionistic in her relationship with Susan.

In rejecting her mother’s control, Susan rejected her mother’s faith and moral values as well.

There were other aspects involved in Susan’s pregnancy and rejection of Christianity. But the Wallaces felt that in rebuilding their relationship with Susan, they had to face up to and learn from the way they had related to her in the past. They discovered many changes that needed to be made in their own lives before they could expect any changes in Susan’s behavior and attitudes. Someone has to take the first step in changing relationships. The parents are the logical ones to do this.

The Unblessed Child

You have probably recognized that Susan Wallace was what might be called an unblessed child. Her parents were shocked to discover through the counseling sessions that she had grown up feeling unloved, unwanted, and unblessed. Arthur and Betsy sincerely believed that they had adequately loved their daughter through her developing years to the present. And they probably did, in the only way they knew how. But what mattered most was Susan’s perception of her parents’ attitudes and behavior toward her. As far as she was concerned, she was an unblessed child.

The Bible speaks of parents blessing their children. It also reflects the custom of prominent figures, such as rabbis, blessing children. The story about Isaac and his sons, Esau and Jacob, has this practice as its backdrop in Genesis 27-28.
(See also Gen. 48:15-49; Deut. 33:1; Mark 10:13-16; Luke 18:15-17, where Jesus blessed the children brought to Him; Eph. 1:3, which notes that God blesses His children; Heb. 11:20-21.) This practice in Bible times involved specific purposes related to the passing on of leadership and property, as well as a sort of prophetic expectation pertaining to the
child’s future. It also implied important psychological influences on the child: acceptance, trust, and encouragement.

A child who is not blessed with these endowments will have difficulty developing a strong and positive self-image.

It has been my observation that children who grow up in Christian homes and eventually go astray tend to see themselves as unblessed children. Their rebellious and wayward behavior may be a form of subconscious communication.

The message is, “Since you [the parents] did not bless me, then I will curse you by my actions.” That is one possible explanation.

Another explanation is that the wayward child seeks to be blessed (accepted, trusted, loved, encouraged) outside the family, perhaps in a peer group. In so many instances the peer group reflects a value system and lifestyle contrary to that of the Christian home of the seeking youth. In order to be accepted by the peer group, he or she must conform to
the values and beliefs of the group. Unblessed children will often pay the price of violating their Christian values if they believe they will receive love and acceptance in return. People who feel unloved will often pay any price in order to feel loved.

Parents of an unblessed wayward child need somehow to make up for lost time and bless that son or daughter. This will not be easy. Your first efforts may be met by rejection cynical resentment (“It’s a little late, don’t you think?”).

Actually, there is no way to make up for the past. You can only attempt to redeem the present. But it’s worth the try.
Acceptance, especially at a late date, must be unconditional. You don’t have to compromise your own moral convictions, however, to do this. You can accept a son who is taking drugs without allowing him to bring them into your house. You can welcome your son and his girl friend (who lives with him) into your home and still arrange for them to sleep in separate bedrooms during their visit. It is your house. You can enforce the rules of the house and still accept your child. Acceptance is more attitudinal and behavioral than it is verbal. Acceptance avoids judgmental condemnation. Acceptance communicates the fact that you value
him or her as a person of infinite worth, regardless of his or her behavior. It is seldom too late for such a blessing.

Looking Ahead

Don’t dwell on the past. What has happened has happened. Laying the blame on another is neither your business (you are not omniscient) nor a productive procedure. Avoid berating yourself for your “parental failure.” Jesus died for our sins. We need not nor cannot atone for them. Learn from the past as best you can (although our memories and perceptions are often poor). Reach out to bless your child as best you can at this late date with love, acceptance, trust, and encouragement.

However, your primary orientation should be toward the future. Look ahead toward developing a meaningful relationship with your child, whether he or she is sixteen, twenty-six, or forty-six. The God revealed in Jesus Christ is a God of reconciliation. He knows a great deal about how this can be done. His reconciling resources are unlimited.

Questions for Discussion
1. Why are some parents prone to play the blame game?
2. Can you recall recent examples of your blaming someone else for what happened in your family?
3.
Do you feel an inclination to put up a pretense of per-
fection? Why?
4. Do you take the “What if
guilt trip? Why?
5. What constructive lessons can you derive from the past in regard to your children?
6. Is there an unblessed child in your family? What can you do about this?