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Wednesday 15th, March 2023
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Series – Perfect Relationship: 24 Tools for Building BRIDGES to Harmony and Taking Down WALLS of Conflict in our Relationships.
Episode 17: Building a New Self-Image in Relationship between Parent and Teenager – The Critical Eye in Episode 17 – Avoid Judgment like a Plague
Building a New Self-image
As you a wounded parent, attempt to build a new relationship with your rebellious child, it is also important for you not to neglect yourself. The self-image of a wounded parent is not likely to be in good shape It probably bears the trappings of failure and defeat. A battered self-image
needs to be repaired. Yours may even need a transplant!
Some people who have undergone plastic surgery suddenly developed what seemed to be a new self-image. Believing in their new attractiveness and beauty, they began accepting and even loving themselves in a healthy way. You may not need plastic surgery in order to develop a new self-image. God has His own unique methods of the spirit.
The Shattered Self-image
When Christian, church-going parents lose a son or
daughter to a non-Christian, secular and immoral culture, it does something to them. They tend to conclude that something is wrong with them, their family, their home life and even the quality of their Christian faith.
To experience what seems to be failure as a parent shatters one’s self-image. By self-image, I mean the way you see yourself and the way you feel about yourself. Feelings of worthlessness, inferiority, loneliness, and inadequacy often overwhelm a wounded parent. You want to withdraw from people, especially those who thought you were an exemplary Christian parent. Now that they know “the ugly truth,” you don’t want to face them. You feel that you are a handicapped, second-class Christian. Other parents may be OK, but you have concluded, “I’m not OK.”
If there are other children at home, you may tend to become fearful that they will be like the one that went astray. Such fear could cause you either to become overprotective of those others or afraid to discipline them for fear that they will rebel also. Parental paralysis can easily set in. The basic problem is not what the other children do or don’t do, but how you feel about yourself.
A shattered self-image needs treatment: a good dose of self-respect, self-acceptance, and self-love. This is the time to be a good parent to yourself: stop kicking yourself, stop putting yourself down, stop scolding yourself, stop calling yourself names (“stupid,” “dummy,” “no-good,” “failure,” “bad”). Treat yourself as a good parent would. To put it another way, how would a close friend treat you at this time? Treat yourself that way. You will make a serious mistake if you go on breaking your shattered self-image into smaller pieces.
The Creative Possibilities of Disappointment
When you start to build a new self-image, it will be important for you to realize that God has more at stake in this process than you or anyone else does. The Bible makes it clear in the beginning that you were created in the image of God (Gen. 1:27). A sense of failure causes one to have poor inner vision and thus to have a distorted view of that image. God wants you to see yourself as you really are: in His image. From the perspective of the New Testament the original image of God was marred by sin, but through salvation in Jesus Christ, the Christian has put on (as one puts on clothes) a new nature, “which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator” (Col. 3:10).
The old image (the one marred by sin) has been replaced by a new image (the new nature in Christ). As Paul says, “Just as we have borne the image of the man of dust, we shall [or, let us] also bear the image of the man of heaven [Christ]” (1 Cor. 15:49). The image God wants you to see in yourself is not a distorted view of yourself due to problems, defeats, and discouragements experienced in the human parenting process. The image in you is not contingent on your achievements and efforts as a parent. It is a given: the image of God after the likeness of Jesus Christ.
Actually, God is able to use your experiences in life to recreate His image in you. Notice Romans 8:28-30: “We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn [the preeminent one] among many brethren. And those whom he predestined he also called; and those whom he called he also justified; and those whom he justified he also glorified.” These verses say that God is shaping His people into the image of His Son. This is the “good” that God “works for” in using “everything” in our experiences, including what
happens to us as parents.
This idea is also supported in II Corinthians 3:18. “And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord are being changed into his likeness [image] from one degree of glory to another; for this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit.” In Galatians 4:19, Paul wrote to the Galatian Christians that he was feeling great concern for them, even pains like those of childbirth, “until Christ be formed” in them. In the midst of our apparent parental failures, God is changing us into the likeness or image of His Son who is being formed in us. To build a new self-image means to recognize the new image of God in Christ which God is forming at the very core of your personality.
These truths should make wounded Christian parents confident that creative possibilities exist even in disappointments in childrearing. God wants you to see not your distorted image of defeat but Christ’s new image of victory.
What kind of person you are is not dependent on what you did or did not do but on what Christ has done for you in the past (on the cross) and is doing in you in the present.
By the grace and help of God you can turn your failures and disappointments into positive forces. I like the way Robert Schuller redefines the meaning of failure:
What is the Meaning of Failure? By Robert Schuller
Failure doesn’t mean you are a failure. … It does mean you haven’t succeeded yet.
Failure doesn’t mean you have accomplished nothing…. It does mean you have learned something.
Failure doesn’t mean you have been a fool. … It does mean you had a lot of faith.
Failure doesn’t mean you’ve been disgraced..you were willing to try.
Failure doesn’t mean you don’t have it. It does mean you have to do something in a different way.
Failure doesn’t mean you are inferior. It does mean you are not perfect.
Failure doesn’t mean you’ve wasted your life…. It does mean you have a reason to start afresh.
Failure doesn’t mean you should give up…. It does mean you must try harder.
Failure doesn’t mean you’ll never make it. … It does mean it will take a little longer.
Failure doesn’t mean God has abandoned you…. It does mean God has a better idea!
In the hands of God, the creative possibilities of disappointment as a parent are limitless. There is too much at stake in your family for you to call it quits and retreat into the losers’ retirement home.
God is still in the process of making a new person out of you by using the experiences you are having with your children. Moreover, your children are watching how you respond to this difficult situation.
Wounded parents would be wise to affirm each morning Schuller’s now-famous possibility-thinker’s creed:
When faced with a mountain
I will not quit.
I will keep on striving
until I climb over,
find a pass through,
tunnel underneath,
or simply stay and
turn the mountain
into a gold mine!
With God’s help!
A New Search for Security
Many wounded parents reason that if they do the best they can to rear their children in a Christian home and in the life of the church, and these children (or at least one of them) still go astray morally and spiritually, then family life in particular and life in general is insecure. Anything can happen to wipe out your hopes and dreams. Such reasoning produces a rather shaky feeling of uncertainty. Is God not always fully in control?
Of course God is in control. He has not abandoned His creation or deserted His people. However, we are not God’s robots. He gives each of us the freedom to make our own decisions, and He respects our freedom. We could not be persons in the fullest sense without freedom to choose. The prodigal son was free to go off into a far country and squander his inheritance in loose living (Luke 15:11-19). However, notice that he was not free to avoid suffering the consequences (go hungry, feed swine for a living, and regret his decisions). Freedom is not absolutely unlimited.
It is risky being a parent. It is risky being a son or daughter. Life is full of risks. Life with no risks would be not only a fantasy but also a dull existence. But does this imply that there can be no security? Of course not.
Parents can find security, but not outside of themselves; money, status, position, possessions, prestige, friends, health-anyone or anything can be taken away from you or lost. Security must come from within: who you are in a personal relationship with God. As a child of God through faith in Jesus Christ, you have all the security you need to face whatever life brings. That kind of security contributes to a strong and positive self-image.
If, as a wounded parent, you will examine carefully who you are in a personal relationship with God, you will be on track in finding a sense of security that will strengthen your self-image. This in turn will improve your relationship with those in your family. Insecure people are usually not easy to get along with. Secure people tend to have the strength to love even the unlovable.
Loving Yourself into a New Self-image
If your children have not turned out as you had hoped they would, you may be blaming yourself to the point of self-depreciation, even self-hate. Punishing yourself for “all of those mistakes I made” simply adds to a poor self-image. But if you want to build a new self-image, then face reality and do something about it. If you honestly feel you made certain mistakes in rearing your children, then admit those mistakes to your children to your mate and to yourself Ask their forgiveness and God’s. Most likely your biggest problem will be yourself. Can you forgive yourself?
Being a good parent to yourself means loving yourself respecting yourself as a person made in God’s image, and accepting yourself as an imperfect human being. Jesus taught that the two great commandments in the Bible are love for God and love for one’s neighbor. Notice how the second command is stated: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself” ( Matthew 22:39, cf Lev 19:18). Jesus assumed that a certain degree of self-love is normal, and I would add, healthy. This is not an inordinate and egotistical self-love, but a healthy care, respect, and acceptance of one’s self. If you cannot love yourself in that way, you probably will not be able to love others either.
There are no simple steps to follow in loving yourself into a new self-image. I suggest that you start with God’s love for you if at this time you don’t have the strength to love yourself. You can read some good books on this subject. You can get involved with a group of Christian people who can teach you how to love yourself. You can secure professional counseling to help you deal realistically with the specifics of your difficulty in loving yourself.
The Tranquillity of a New Self-image
When you begin to feel good about yourself, you will be less tense, less irritable and more at peace with yourself and with others than you were before. The tranquillity that comes with a new self-image will bring about an atmosphere in the home that will facilitate better communication and understanding among family members. When mother and father each have a positive self-regard, relationships in the home are relaxed and enjoyable.
At first your children may not understand what is going on. They may think that you’ve been drinking! When the shouting diminishes, the tension goes away, the frowning switches to smiling, and judging turns to nurturing, the children will be confused initially. But, believe me, they will enjoy it.
I am not trying to portray a utopia in suggesting that a new self-image on the part of parents will change everything. There will still be problems to solve and conflicts to resolve, but parents who have a strong, positive self-image, who like themselves, who have a warm, accepting self-regard, and who feel secure within will obviously create an atmosphere in the home where the members of the family will feel encouraged to act in a cooperative way toward each other.
There will still be rules to keep, responsibilities to perform, and moral expectations to support by parental example. Parents will still need to back up their word with firmness and consistency. Broken rules will bring certain consequences. But parents with positive self-images project an optimism that things are going to get better in the family, that the future is bright, and that a new day will bring new and better relationships. This kind of confidence is truly contagious.
Christ, the Best Model
Jesus Christ is our best model of a person with a strong, positive self-image. He knew who He was, why He was here, what His mission and purpose in life were, where He was going, and what life was all about. We find no evidence in the New Testament of Jesus depreciating Himself or despising Himself.
Jesus obviously liked Himself, enjoyed Himself, and had a positive and warm self-regard. He expressed a deep sense of inner security, knowing that His life was in the hands of His heavenly Father.
Although Jesus experienced disappointment in others, He never let that sink Him into depression. He stayed in control of His discouraging moments, turning them into opportunities for personal growth and for blessing other people.
Wounded parents can do no better than to get to know this Person revealed in the Gospels of the New Testament and let Him build, develop, or transplant this new self-image into their hearts and minds. You can know who you are, why you are here, where you are going, what your mission and purpose in life are, and what the purpose of life is. You can learn to like yourself, enjoy being you, and have a positive, warm self-regard. You can have a deep sense of inner
security, knowing that your life is in the hands of God, your heavenly Father.
By the Power of God
All of this is possible by the power of God. He is able to bring this to pass. He who made you can remake you. A new you is possible by the power of God. You can’t remake yourself, but God can.
If you are a wounded parent, you have experienced deep disappointment. You are in pain. You are hurting. Some of this may be self-inflicted by the kind of parenting you have done. But that is all past. You cannot go back and change that. You may be the victim of forces outside your home, and those forces are outside of your control. You are trying to get your emotions under control. You are trying to build a new relationship with your wayward son or daughter. You
may now have begun to do something about yourself, to build a new self-image. But remember-any lasting change in you and in your child or children will have to be the work of God. It will be by His resources, intervention, and guidance that the relationship in your family will change for the better. So keep in close touch with Him and trust Him. He may not do things according to your plan, but He has more at stake in your family than you do, and He knows what He is doing.
Questions for Discussion
1. How would you describe your present self-image?
2. Can you identify some creative possibilities of disappointment in your family situation?
3. Can you see evidences of God making a new person
out of you? Describe these evidences.
4. What are your reactions to the idea of self-love?
5. How can Jesus Christ be our model for a positive self-image?
The Critical Eye
How I see you is a reflection of how I see me.
Jesus asked, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?” (Matthew 7:3 NIV). Christians seem to be uncontrollably motivated by some deep need to “take the dog by the ears.” (See Proverbs 26:17.) They are always meddling in other
people’s stuff. This is one of the main reasons the world hates the church. We have declared ourselves to be the world’s police force. We are the self-proclaimed militant army that is here to
police and judge the world, when we should be a loving family who brings hurting people into the family circle by adoption!
Our concept of presenting what we mistakenly call the Gospel is to let people know they are sinners so they will realize their need for Jesus. This erroneous concept leads the Christian to think that the best way to let people know they are sinners is to point out their faults-that is, to find the speck in their eye.
Your Heart Dictates How You See
The way we view something is the product of our heart. If we have a critical eye, it is because we have a critical heart. The Bible says, “He that hath a froward heart findeth no good” (Proverbs 17:20). A “froward heart” is a crooked heart. It is a heart that has been reshaped through the pressures of sin, legalism, religion, or life circumstances. It is a heart that sees only the bad; it cannot find the good.
Some people seem to have mistaken criticism for discernment. Criticism is not a gift of the Holy Spirit; it is the product of a corrupt heart. Religion has forged the church into a critical, reactionary society not much different than that of the Pharisees
in Jesus’ day.
Christians have created an antagonistic relationship with the world. Today the church is reaping the scrutiny and judgment that it has sown for seventeen hundred years. It is no wonder the world hates us and looks for fault in us! It is merely repaying our investment with interest. We are reaping the seeds of judgment and criticism that have been sown for centuries.
Our need to find fault does not, however, stop with the world.
We also have turned our scrutiny onto our brothers and sisters in the Lord. We try to motivate other believers to grow by showing them how weak and faulty they are. Not only do we police their actions, but we also police their words. We try to make them observe the right formulas for confession and prayer. As a result, we have made the church a very unsafe place even for believers who are in need. In fact, our list of rules has probably become as long as that of the Pharisees.
Those around us will always have needs in their lives, just as we will always have needs. But just because we see the need in another person does not mean we have the right to invade that individual’s life. Our first goal should be to love the person and make him feel safe while owning his problem. If people do
not feel safe with their problem, they will feel that they have to cover it up. They also certainly will not respond positively to our inquisition! We actually force people into denial by our rejection and condemnation. When they see our disapproval and rejection
of people with problems, they realize that we will reject them because of their problems as well. They see that it is not safe for them to expose their problems to our critical eye.
Someone once said, “The person who will influence you most is not the person you believe in; it is the person who believes in you.” There is a question we need to ask ourselves: Can we still see the good in people who have obvious problems? Do we make
people see that we believe in them even with their problems?
Some People See God Only through Us
Colossians 4:6 says, “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone” (NIV). God’s grace is His ability that works in us. Our speech should always convey ability and empowerment. It should make people completely confident that they can do all things through Christ. When they are under our scrutiny, we should see the power of God in them instead of the weakness of the flesh, and we must let them know that we are confident of Christ in them.
Paul said that our talk should be salty. Salt has many great qualities, but as much as anything else it is a preserver. Our speech should preserve people, not destroy them. Once we have negatively touched a person’s self-worth, all meaningful communication is over. Jesus never attacked self-worth. Even in the most outrageous cases, He was merciful. He was kind and patient.
No example makes this clearer than when He encountered the woman taken in adultery. (Read John 8 to get the full story.)
The goal in our every conversation, the goal for all our ministry, must be to bring people to a loving experience with God.
That experience, however, begins with what they encounter in us. Our interactions with people cannot be about proving them wrong or proving ourselves right. Such thinking is at the heart of removing the splinter from our brother’s eye while ignoring the board in our own. No, our job is to persuade them of God’s love so they will feel safe enough to trust Him. They do not need to expose their heart to us; they need to expose their heart to God.
People also experience God by watching us model the kind of life they can have. People learn far more from what they see in us than from what they hear from us. They need to see that we handle with happiness and peace the same issues they have. Albert Schweitzer said, “Example is not the main thing in influencing others. It’s the only thing.” Jesus knew this; His ministry followed a pattern of teaching, discussing, modeling, discussing, assisting, discussing, sending forth, and discussing. He lovingly and patiently led His disciples through the process of personal development. Although their flaws were evident, He stuck to principle-based teaching that led people to the place of self-discovery. It was always safe to be real around Jesus. It was always safe to ask questions, and it was always safe to discuss the issues.
The critical eye sees a fault and, in the name of love and ministry, begins to pluck up the tares, or weeds, in a negative attempt to remove the problem. In the end, the devastation is so great that the field (the heart) is destroyed.
Jesus warned of the devastation that comes from trying to solve problems by pulling out the tares; He warned that the wheat would be pulled out as well. (See Matthew 13.) So a fault-finding, critical eye finds what it judges to be the problem and begins to pull it out. But in the process, the wheat is destroyed, and the person is left with nothing.
When I am delivered from a critical eye, I will see people as God sees them. I will always know that the Spirit of God can work in them to solve every problem and conquer every obstacle.
You see, our confidence in people is directly related to our confidence in God. When we see the best in them, they will see, believe, and live the best God has to offer.
