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Wednesday 15th, March 2023
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Series – Perfect Relationship: 24 Tools for Building BRIDGES to Harmony and Taking Down WALLS of Conflict in our Relationships.
Episode 21 : The Theology of Wounded Parent in parent and teenager relationship – God’s, Jesus’s and Paul’s Fatherhood Experience – Identifying Behavior Patterns in Episode 21
A Theology for Wounded Parents
Wounded parents often ask, “Why did this happen to us?” In many instances what they are really asking is “Why did God allow this to happen to us?” After parents live a Christian life before the children, offer them the advantages of a Christian home, and involve the family in the life of the church, it doesn’t seem fair for God to allow children from such a home to stray away morally and spiritually. Such parents eventually develop a theological problem. This chapter is an attempt to address that problem.
God’s Experience As a Wounded Parent
As this book has grown in recent years, as I have worked with several wounded parents as their pastor or Christian counselor, and as I have matured in my own sojourn as a parent, it has been a great source of comfort and understanding to discover that God Himself has had personal experience as a wounded parent. The story revealed in the Bible is partly a story of God’s disappointments with His children. God is no stranger to the experiences of wounded parents. He understands exactly what you, a wounded parent, are going through.
The concept of the fatherhood of God is found throughout the Bible. (Incidentally, “Father” was Jesus’ favorite term for God.) God is the Father of all mankind in the sense that He created the human race (Isa. 64:8; Mal. 2:10). God’s nature
is like that of an ideal father: He disciplines His children (Deut. 8:5; Prov. 3:11-12); He has compassion for His children (Ps. 103:13); He offers special fatherly care to the fatherless (Ps. 68:5; James 1:27) and to the homeless (Ps. 68:6); He provides for His children their basic needs (Matt. 6:25-33); He comforts His afflicted children (Isa. 66:13). He is our heavenly Father who hears our prayers (Matt. 6:9) and forgives the forgiving (Matt. 6:14). However, God’s spiritual fatherhood, involving personal salvation, is possible only through faith in Jesus Christ (Gal. 3:26; 4:1-7).
In a special sense, God is revealed in the Old Testament as the Father of Israel and of the messianic lineage of David (II Sam. 7:4-17; Ps. 89:1-37; Jer. 31:9). However, it was in the relationship of God and Israel that God experienced again and again the heartache, disappointments, and pain of a wounded parent.
Israel was often going astray, chasing after other gods, and committing all sorts of immorality. The sins of Israel are recounted many times, especially in the writings of the prophets, which depict the broken heart of a father because of his wayward children (Isa. 64:1-12; Jer. 3:1-3,19-20). This wounded Parent of Israel, however, used every means possible to bring His wayward children back to Him (Jer. 3:21-25, especially v. 22a, ” ‘Return, O faithless sons, I will heal your faithlessness.”). The pleading of God the Father for His children gone astray is truly heartrending (see Jer. 31:15-22). He expresses His disappointment in Israel: my honor?” (Mal. 1:6).
“A son honors his father…. If then I am a father, where is However, God expressed confidence that someday a remnant of His wayward children would return to Him
(Jer. 31:1-9, 15-17). In II Corinthians 6:16-18, it is revealed that this remnant found its ultimate fulfillment in the church of Jesus Christ. In this passage, Paul combines several Old Testament prophetic statements (Lev. 26:12; Isa. 52:11;
Jer. 31:1, 9; Hos. 1:10) to say, “What agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God: as God said,
‘I will live in them and move among them,
and I will be their God,
and they shall be my people.
Therefore come out from them,
and be separated from them, says the Lord,
and touch nothing unclean;
then I will welcome you,
and I will be a father to you,
and you shall be my sons and daughters,
says the Lord Almighty.”
To this day, God has not abandoned His children, Israel, in that He continues to call them to return to Him through of the gospel (Rom. 9-11). This gospel is the the message story of the wounded heavenly Father whose Christ was wounded for the wayward children’s transgressions. Paradox of paradoxes, it is by these wounds that the healing of reconciliation comes (Isa. 53:5; I Peter 2:24). Therefore, God’s experience as a wounded parent offers us, as wounded parents, the supreme model for redemptive healing for broken relationships: God was in Christ reconciling the world unto
himself (II Cor. 5:19).
If wounded Christian parents will pattern their responses to their children’s behavior after the example of Christ-a selfless, sacrificial love that willingly suffers with a faith that God will turn their present defeat into His ultimate victory-then “they shall see their offspring and shall prolong
their days; the will of the Lord will prosper in their hands; they shall see the fruit of the travail of their souls and be satisfied” (author’s paraphrase of Isa. 53:10b-11a).
Jesus’ Experience with Parental Discouragement
Jesus, of course, never married and was not a parent, but the Gospel records indicate that He knew something of the emotions described by the phrase parental discouragement.
Several examples suggest this.
Matthew 23 records one of Jesus’ major messages, given publicly in the precincts of the temple in Jerusalem. At one point in His speaking, He turns to address the scribes and Pharisees specifically. In the tone of a prophet of God, Jesus sets forth several “woes” of judgment on their rebellious and immoral behavior and attitudes. Finally, He broadens His
audience to include the entire city of Jerusalem, not only its current residents and religious leaders, but also a vast sweep of Israel’s history in this city:
O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, killing the prophets and stoning those who are sent to you! How often would I have gathered your children together as a hen gathers her brood under her wings, and you would not! Behold, your house is forsaken and desolate. For I tell you, you will not see me again, until you say, “Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord.”
[Matt. 23:37-39]
Such words truly reflect the feelings of God toward wayward Israel, and here Jesus sums them up and reveals the heart of God. But notice the metaphor of the hen and her scattered brood. This is a parental figure and vividly reflects the grief of a wounded parent whose wayward children stubbornly “would not” return and be reconciled. Such picturesque language suggests strongly that Jesus knew, in His own experience as the Messiah, what a wounded parent experiences.
Another instance of Jesus’ experience with parental discouragement is suggested in the parable of the prodigal son (Luke 15:11-32). The way Jesus told this story (as He spoke about the feelings of a father whose son strays away, wasting his life) makes me wonder whether Jesus was possibly revealing something of His own heart toward the wayward.
This is merely speculative, but in all likelihood Joseph died before Jesus left home. As the elder brother, Jesus would have taken Joseph’s place as the head of the home, assisting Mary in rearing the other children to adulthood. If one of Mary’s other children had strayed away morally and spiritually, Jesus would have carried out the role of the father.
If Jesus taught out of His experience as well as insight, such speculation is not too improbable. Certainly Jesus’ life reflected the feelings and attitude of the father in this story.
He must have known something of what a father feels when a son goes off into a far country to squander his life in loose living.
Two other instances of Jesus’ experience with parental discouragement were the cases of Judas Iscariot and Simon Peter. A rabbi would often relate to his small band of disciples much as a father would to his sons. When Judas betrayed Jesus and Simon denied Him publicly, it is obvious that Jesus experienced deep disappointment in them.
Judas, out of greed and possibly resentment toward Jesus for not turning out to be a political and military Messiah, betrayed his master into the hands of the Sanhedrin (Matt. 26:14-25, 45-56; 27:3-10). Simon Peter, out of fear for his own life, refused to admit any knowledge of or association with Jesus following Jesus’ arrest by the authorities (Matt. 26:69-75). Both turned their backs on Jesus at a critical moment. Although all the disciples forsook Jesus and fled at the time of his arrest (Matt. 26:56b), Judas and Peter are highlighted in the Gospel story. Judas destroyed himself, never to return (Acts 1:15-26); Peter returned to lead the early church following Jesus’ resurrection (John 21:15-23; Acts 1-2).
The word tempted in the New Testament can sometimes be translated as “tested.” Keeping this in mind, Hebrews 2:17-18 can be applied here. The writer of Hebrews suggests that Jesus was made like us in every respect. He Himself has suffered and been tested as we have in order that He might be able to help us. Consequently, as Hebrews 4:15-16 explains, we do not have a Savior who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every way has been tested as we are, yet without sinning. Because Jesus knows something of the ordeal of a wounded parent, then with confidence we can draw near to God’s throne of grace to receive mercy and find help in our time of need.
Paul’s Experience as a Wounded Parent
Whether the apostle Paul was ever married is still debatable. He certainly related to his converts and missionary associates much as a parent does to a child. He addressed Timothy as “my true child in the faith” (I Tim. 1:2) and even had him circumcised as a Jewish father would, although for reasons of witnessing (Acts 16:3). Paul did not hesitate to call Timothy “my son” (I Tim. 1:18; II Tim. 2:1), “my beloved child” (II Tim. 1:2), or “my beloved and faithful child in the Lord” (I Cor. 4:17).
Paul also looked on the members of his churches as his children in the faith. He was their spiritual father. Notice particularly how he addressed the Corinthian church: “I do not write this to make you ashamed, but to admonish you as my beloved children. For though you have countless guides in Christ, you do not have many fathers. For I became your father in Christ Jesus through the gospel. I urge you, then, be imitators of me” (I Cor. 4:14-16).
It was certainly with the church at Corinth that Paul experienced the pains of a wounded parent. The church was divided and its members argumentative and in some cases arrogant and even sexually immoral. Some were taking others to court. Some were abusing their spiritual gifts. Others were offending new converts by eating meat that had been offered to pagan idols. Several were overeating and getting drunk at the church fellowship meals and when observing the Lord’s Supper. Certain women were insulting their hus-
bands with their new Christian freedom. Some of the members were even denying the resurrection of the dead. Second Corinthians (especially chapters 11-13) reflects much of his frustration with them. He wrote as a parent writes to his wayward children (12:14-15).
Paul also experienced great parental heartache over the Galatian church’s reversion to the legalism of Judaism. He wrote to the Galatians as a wounded parent, pleading with his wayward children to return to their true faith (see especially Gal. 1:6-9; 3:1-5; 4:8-11). Paul’s deeply-wounded parental spirit comes out vividly as he writes, “My little children, with whom I am again in travail until Christ be formed in you! I could wish to be present with you now and to change my tone, for I am perplexed about you” (4:19-20).
Moreover, Paul knew disappointment as a spiritual parent when an important young missionary associate deserted him on their first missionary journey. John Mark had gone along to assist Paul and Barnabas (Acts 13:5), but at Perga in Pamphylia John Mark left them and returned to Jerusalem (Acts 13:13). Paul later expressed his sense of disappointment, even resentment, over Mark’s cowardly behavior (Acts 15:36-41), so much so that Paul and Barnabas chose to go their separate ways on the next journey. Years later, Paul and Mark reconciled their differences, and Paul, in his last letter, instructed Timothy to “get Mark and bring him with you; for he is very useful in serving me” (II Tim. 4:11; cf. Col. 4:10).
Paul also knew parental disappointment when his associate Demas (Col. 4:14; Philem. 24) deserted him because Demas was “in love with this present world” (II Tim. 4:10).
In all of Paul’s disappointments he reflected the compassion, firmness, and optimism of his Lord. In dealing with them he loved them (II Cor. 11:7-11). He rebuked yet did the wayward Corinthians, he could chide them and still tell not condemn them (II Cor. 6:14-7:1; 7:3). He could honestly express his disappointment in them (II Cor. 2:1-4) but also tell them, “I have great confidence in you; I have great
” (II Cor. 7:4). Paul’s letters offer a helpful model for wounded parents to follow in relating to their pride in you children.
God’s Continuing Parenthood
God loves your children infinitely more than you do. He has their best interests at heart. He will not abandon them or forsake them because of their behavior. Your children were God’s gifts to you, and if you have given them back to God in prayer, you can trust Him to do His loving best to guide them back into the paths of righteousness.
The psalmist had such abiding faith in God’s continuing parenthood that he could say that even if his father and mother forsook him, the Lord would take him up (Ps. 27:10).
If, as Christian parents, you once dedicated your children to the Lord, and in recent years one of them has gone astray, he or she is not out of God’s reach. He knows where that son or daughter is, what he or she is doing and thinking, and will not abandon that child. He will continue His watchful care, His pursuit, His calling to return, and His loving provision.
Although the influence of our parenting may be blocked by circumstances and rebellious rejection, God’s continuing parenthood cannot be stopped by wayward children.
The Freedom of Man and the Sovereignty of God All through the Bible, it is clear that God has given to each one of us the freedom to choose, to make our own decisions. If one is to be free to do the right, one must also be free to do the wrong. Your child had the freedom to do whatever he or she did. Why a son or daughter chooses a lifestyle that disappoints his or her parents is another, often unanswerable question. But he or she was free to choose.
You would not want it any other way. No parent wants robots for children, any more than God wants humans to be robots. Love is meaningless if it is not freely chosen. Obedience and respect are empty decisions if not freely made.
When God made man, He ran a tremendous risk, as the story of the Garden of Eden reveals. Likewise, when you a and I chose to have children, we ran a great risk. This is life, and the way it ought to be. Therefore, we must accept reality, both its positive and negative aspects, if we are going to be
mature and responsible people.
But I have good news for you. Christian parents have the unique privilege to be in the sovereignty of God. Regardless of the seemingly wasteful, stupid, dangerous, ungrateful, foolish, and immoral decisions humans may make, God is still sovereign Lord. Our actions, whether as parents or children, cannot overrule God’s sovereign control. Although God will not overrule our own wills, He will always have the last word, whether of judgment or grace or both.
God is creator, sustainer, and Lord of all the universe. For Christians, He is our Savior, Lord, and King. He has not lost control of the world or of our family situation. Regardless of how dark things look in your home, God is still sovereign.
We can trust Him to work things out, although it will be with His methods and on His timetable. The God revealed in Jesus Christ can be the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end (Rev. 1:8, 17) of your particular family dilemma. Regardless of what has happened, is happening, or will happen between you and your children, you can still hold on to the sovereignty of God.
One of the greatest affirmations of the sovereignty of God is Psalm 23. Read it every day for the next four weeks. Its faith will be contagious.
A Puzzling Passage
A verse from the Bible that has caused much confusion and perplexity for many wounded parents is Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” The words “the way he should go” literally mean “according to his way,” that is, according to the child’s personality, temperament, and aptitude. This proverb teaches that parental instruction should take into account the child’s individuality and inclinations. Moreover, such instruction should be given with the child’s current degree of physical and mental development in mind.
The Good News Bible offers a helpful translation: “Teach a child how he should live, and he will remember it all his life.” This verse suggests only that early training is important, and that it will have long-term consequences.
This verse is no guarantee that your definition, instruction, and example of the Christian life will cause your children to turn out just as you want them to. It offers no prophetic promise that if we take them to Sunday school and church as children that all will turn out to our liking. It does not promise that there will be no rebellion, conflict, or differences.
This verse simply reminds us that the early formative years of a child are the time to provide him or her with our best teaching and example, and that he or she will never forget it. But this influence does not overrule the freedom of that child’s own will or responsibility for his or her decisions. Our responsibility as parents is to do our best under God and trust Him to bring His will to pass in light of the child’s unique personality and God’s purpose for that life.
The God of Hope and Comfort
Wounded parents have to have hope in order to survive. Without hope, some of us would quickly despair. The only place to find hope for a perplexed family situation is with God. He is the God of hope, and His Word is a marvelous stimulator of hope for discouraged parents.
A verse from Jeremiah comes to mind:
There is hope for your future, and your children shall come back to their own country. [Jer. 31:17] says the LORD, In addition, God is the God of comfort for parents in pain.
Yet there is a sense of divine purpose added to our suffering when God is allowed to deal with it. The God of comfort comforts us in order that we might be able to comfort other wounded parents with the same comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. And just as we are sharing
abundantly somehow in Christ’s sufferings (He identified with us), “so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too” (II Cor. 1:3-5). Consequently, the God of hope and comfort who is revealed in Jesus Christ enables us to go on living and become wounded healers.
Questions for Discussion
1. How is God’s experience as a wounded parent helpful to you?
2. Does Jesus’ experience with parental discouragement offer any guidelines for your situation?
3. How is Paul’s experience relevant to you?
4. How do you balance the freedom of man with the sovereignty of God in your family situation?
5. Study various translations of and commentaries on Proverbs 22:6. How do you apply this verse to your
experience?
6. How do you feel about the future in your family? Why? Do you have any plans for growth and improvement?
Identifying Behavior Patterns
People don’t do things for my reasons, they have their own.
One of the greatest assumptions that leads us into judgment is the idea that people do things for the same reasons we do them. In behavioral studies we see that there are four basic behavioral styles, which are then divided into more than a hundred complex patterns. These four are the direct, the inspirational, the steady, and the conscientious persons.
Each of these behavioral styles communicates in a different manner. They interpret their world in different ways. They are motivated by entirely different factors. But most importantly, they make judgments based on different perceptions.
For example, the direct person prefers to get to the point. He wants to know the bottom line, and he has a strong force of character. The direct man or woman deeply desires to be respected.
The inspirational pattern is a “people person.” This person is easily inspired and easily discouraged. Her goal in life is to be liked; she is looking for social acceptance. The steady person is very kind and personable. A steady person tends to remain calm and is good at calming excited people. She is very indirect, avoids conflict, and seeks to keep things steady. The conscientious person is analytical and detail-oriented. This type considers himself to be the quality control person. He wants everything be right, Diplomatic and disliking direct conflict, he seeks to control through the use of quality standards.”
For example, direct people prefer a lot of personal space. Their personal space is quite large. They make direct eye contact, but they keep their distance. Physical contact is kept to a minimum.
Many interpret this distance to be rejection. The inspirational pattern, on the other hand, is very touchy-feely. If they are distant to someone, it means that they dislike or are uncomfortable with that person.
Keeping that in mind, suppose a direct woman sees an inspirational woman standing close to others, touching them while talking, and being very personable. She projects her motives onto the inspirational person and reasons, “If I were making that much physical contact, I would have sexual intent.” Her judgment concerning why the inspirational woman relates so physically takes the quantum leap: “She does that because she is immoral.” Many inspirational people have a reputation for being flirty or immoral simply because others project their own motives onto the situation.
Now suppose the inspirational woman begins to talk to the direct man. She notices how far away he stands. She also notices that if she steps toward him, he backs away. This, ofcourse, makes her feel rejected, so she steps even closer. After all, she would only back away from someone who makes her feel uncomfortable. As a result, when he backs up once again, she assumes that Mr. Direct does not like her. He, on the other hand, perceives her natural inclination to make him feel more comfortable as being flirty. Both people are using their personal behavior as a standard of judgment for the other. Both will begin to respond to the other as if their judgment is correct. They may even create the problem they fear.
In another case, let’s say a direct man calls a steady man. The direct man wants to be polite. He recognizes that he is invading the steady person’s space. Out of his intention to be kind, he gets to the point. After all, he is a “bottom-liner.” If any personal
You Don’t Think like I Think, but I Think You Do
Any of these people may do the same things. However, they are usually motivated by completely different reasoning, A direct person would be most apt to lie in order to maintain respect. An inspirational person would lie to maintain social acceptance.
The steady person would lie to avoid conflict, and the conscientious person to appear to be right. All of us struggle with the same temptations, but it is essential to realize that each of us is motivated by completely different needs, fears, and desires. We can never really know what drives another person’s behavior.
But we think we do-and this causes a great deal of pain and conflict.
The problem in conflict resolution is that people usually fail to understand why others do what they do. The effect of their actions on us comes from the erroneous judgment that “people do things for the same reason I do things.” When we make this assumption, we project our values and reasons onto others.
We begin to treat them as if our judgment is correct. This usually leads to more conflict. I have seen hundreds of marriages saved when a husband and wife simply accept that they each do things for their own reasons. Their actions are not personal; they would do the same things regardless of whom they married.
For example, direct people prefer a lot of personal space. Their personal space is quite large. They make direct eye contact, but they keep their distance. Physical contact is kept to a minimum.
Many interpret this distance to be rejection. The inspirational pattern, on the other hand, is very touchy-feely. If they are distant to someone, it means that they dislike or are uncomfortable with that person.
Keeping that in mind, suppose a direct woman sees an inspirational woman standing close to others, touching them while talking, and being very personable. She projects her motives
onto the inspirational person and reasons, “If I were making that much physical contact, I would have sexual intent.” Her judgment concerning why the inspirational woman relates so physically takes the quantum leap: “She does that because she
is immoral.” Many inspirational people have a reputation for being flirty or immoral simply because others project their own motives onto the situation.
Now suppose the inspirational woman begins to talk to the direct man. She notices how far away he stands. She also notices that if she steps toward him, he backs away. This, of course, makes her feel rejected, so she steps even closer. After all, she would only back away from someone who makes her feel uncomfortable. As a result, when he backs up once again, she assumes that Mr. Direct does not like her. He, on the other hand, perceives her natural inclination to make him feel more comfortable as being flirty. Both people are using their personal behavior as a standard of judgment for the other.
Both will begin to the other as if their judgment is correct. They may respond even create the problem they fear.
In another case, let’s say a direct man calls a steady man. The direct man wants to be polite. He recognizes that he is invading the steady person’s space. Out of his intention to be kind, he
gets to the point. After all, he is a “bottom-liner.” If any personal conversation happened, it would come after the point was made.
So he calls and says something like this: “Bob? Jim here. How are you? Bob, I need to borrow your projector for a presentation on Saturday. Is that a problem?” He has communicated in this concise manner because he thinks that what he prefers is what everyone else prefers.
Remember, steady people are very indirect. They are also very personable. They would never call you and go straight for the bottom line unless they disliked you or were angry. In their attempt to be kind, they would be personal first. They would seek to make you feel special by showing interest in you and your family. They would ask all sorts of personal questions before getting to the point. They, too, assume that everyone does everything for the same reasons. Because Jim (Mr. Direct) did not inquire about Bob’s (Mr. Steady’s) family or ask him anything personal, Bob assumes that Jim is angry. Remember, Jim got to the point in an attempt to be courteous. Bob is offended. When he tells this story to others, he will tell what he experienced. “Jim called me the other day and was so rude and inconsiderate.” That is not what happened, but it is what Bob experienced because of his judgment: “If I did it that way, this is what it would mean.”
Now look at it the other way around. “Jim, this is Bob. How are you? Are Brenda and the girls doing well? I haven’t seen them lately.” All the while Jim is thinking, Why don’t you tell me what you really want? Bob is attempting to be thoughtful and kind.
But because Jim would only be this indirect if he was attempting to manipulate someone, he feels manipulated, He becomes very agitated with Bob. The greatest fear of the direct person is of being manipulated, He or she feels that if you don’t get straight to the point, you are manipulating. Jim’s judgment of why Bob is communicating this way would lead him to believe, feel, and react as if he was being manipulated.
Understand the difference
Direct and inspirational people tend to talk in generalities. Conscientious, or analytical, people never talk in generalities; they tend to go overboard on the details. They tend to treat every conversation as if it were a report-an admirable trait when used in a conference room. But it is not admirable in a casual conversation or when telling a story. The analytical person thinks that direct or inspirational people are lying when they speak in generalities.
After all, the detail-oriented person would speak in generalities only when attempting to avoid the details. On the other hand, when the direct person is overrun with so many details, he or she may feel that the analytical person is being pushy or manipulative. The examples could be endless. The problem, however, is simple. People do not do things for our reasons. Yet, because of our judgment, we treat them as if they do.
Our conflict is seldom based on what a person does. It is usually based on our judgment of why he did it.
Identifying Behavior Patterns Too often we judge people and create conflict, only to eventually discover that our judgment was wrong. Then we’re too late!
The damage is already done. So often we cheat ourselves out of many wonderful friendships because of initial judgments. We meet and reject people before we ever get to know them. And what we do know about them is seldom who they are; it is our judgment of who they are.
Perhaps the worst place this happens is in our relationships with our children. Direct people are multitasked. If their children are not, they judge the children to be lazy or stupid. Steady people are overwhelmed by long lists but do very well when given a few tasks at a time. Analytical parents make judgments about their inspirational children and so
often fail to meet their children’s need for physical affection.
They also constantly criticize their children’s lack of followthrough, while totally overlooking their creativity and warmth.
The Bible says, “All the ways-of a man are clean in his own eyes” (Proverbs 16:2). We think we are right. We think our way is the way. That is why we do things the way we do them. We also want our children to be right, and so we think our children should be like us. If they are not, we judge their actions as being motivated by rebellion, ignorance, or deceit.. They are none of those things. What makes us intolerant of adults who behave
differently than we do is the same thing that makes us intolerant of our children when they are not our behavioral clones-judgment!
When we release people from our judgment, we will be able to know them for who they are. We will come to value how they are different from us. We will end the cycle of sowing and reaping pain!
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